Abe's Oddyssey

Advent Conspiracy

2011-12-18T15:33:00.000+13:00

To conspire against consumerism... That would take guts! Do you have what it takes to firstly not give into the pressure to buy the coolest, newest and most exciting gifts for friends and loved ones... Secondly, would you take up the challenge to not spend that money on people that don need it (including yourself!). Watch this video, and consider its message seriously... Remember, if you have a roof over your head, own a computer and have food in the fridge, you are within the wealthiest 10% of the worlds population. Sponsor a child, donate to one of the charitable organisations dealing with the famine in the Horn of Africa, fight against slavery... Our money goes such a long way in the rest of the world - make a difference, even for just 1 person - for them it makes a huge difference...
Advent Conspiracy from International Justice Mission on Vimeo.

2011-07-02T21:58:00.004+12:00

HI all,

And now for something completely not infertility related...

I came across an issue that I thought was completely relegated to the history books, something I never thought was occurring today. Well, let me qualify that, I knew it occurred in some third world countries, mostly due to corruption or poverty, but apparently it is a major industry in much of the developing world, and even in some developed countries... Some countries actually can attribute a good proportion of their GDP to it through tourism and the like... It´s something that reviles me in the very core of my soul. Watch this music video...

I realise that this is almost a taboo topic, but this isn´t the only kind of slavery that is going on in our world, from what I gather, 27 million is a conservative estimate. Children and adults have their lives stolen from them for all sorts of industries from tabacco, to coffee, to Cocoa...

ExodusCry is an organisation dedicated to the cause of eradicating slavery in all of it´s ugly forms. Here is a blog post that is worth reading to get an idea of what goes on out there.

Fighting for Seoul, South Korea, Part 1

and part 2

Fighting for Seoul, South Korea, Part 2

ExodusCry is an amazing organisation that makes known the indescribable atrocities occurring thoughout our world. They also seek to deal with the root causes by organising prayer and fasting. There are deep and dark spiritual forces that are involved in slavery of any kind, but slavery involving the sexual exploitation of children is one of the most vile. I recommend looking into this topic, it may just change your life. So many lives ruined, so much innocence lost, so many deep hurts.

Like the first song says - Our silence is shameful... If we do nothing, and say nothing, then nothing will change.

I intend to make my opinion known, what about you?

Abe

Tragedies

2011-06-12T15:26:00.004+12:00

Hi friends,

I have several sets of friends IRL who have undergone particular heartache over their children. Two I'm currently mindful of, one of which is a currently unfolding scenario.

The first set of friends had their beautiful baby boy born about a year and a half ago. He was born in a particular hurry because he'd stopped growing in the womb. He was born at 36 weeks, but was closer to 32 weeks in development and size. Our wee girl had just been into hospital to have her second cast put on the night before when we got the call from our friends to say that their son (who had been born about 5 days earlier) was not expected to make it through the day. We agonised over what we should do, and decided that despite our we girls new cast, and complication of a hernia that was causing her great pain when it popped out, we needed to be there for them. So, after having had a poor nights sleep with our girl in a new cast, we started our 7 and a half hour car journey at about 7pm that night, hoping beyond hopes that God would somehow work things out for our friends, who hadn't even had a chance to spend a full week with their boy. Toby is his name. Toby was incredibly sick, with his kidney failing to do their job. we learned about 3 hours out from our destination that the doctors in despiration tried something they normally wouldn't, and it worked! Essentially sodium bicarbonate was used to reduce the acidity of his blood. And it looked like he would make it! So, we arrived early that morning, and after sleeping like babies, we got to meet him (well, Sarah did, I was sick with a cold, and decided I shouldn't see him). He'd made it, and while they still didn't know quite what the cause of all his problems were, they felt he would stabalise. We celebrated with them and their extended families that had gathered that weekend, there was such a sense of relief!

We travelled home feeling such a sense of frailty of life. Thankful we had been able to be there. Toby struggled and strained for the next few months and ahd some good days, he got to visit the local park, and was transported by plan to starship hospital in Auckland where all the sickest kids go. While they were there they wanted genetic testing done, and the result was told them on new years eve. The condition is called Gracile syndrome. There have only been a handful of cases diagnosed worldwide ever. He slowly deteriorated for another month until he passed away in Febuary last year. He lived for three months. He learned to smile before he died. He was a real fighter, and terribly corageous. His parents have been through the valley of the shadow of death. His parents have been a symbol of courage for us. Toby is no longer in pain, but those he has left behind are.

The second scenario is that of a couple we know less well, but have some significant connection with, and they are 22 weeks pregnant. At their 20 week scan they were told that their child has a problem with his cerebellum, meaning that there will be significant problems. He could have problems ranging from physical or mental problems ranging from relatively high functioning and little problems, through to being highly disruptive, through to being in a vegitative state. So they are at the beginning of what will likely be a very long and hard journey!

And then there is little old us. Emby #3 miscarried (for want of a better description) last weekend. This has happened before, Emby #1 didn't work either, but this Embryo must have progressed further because Sarah was in a great deal of pain on the Sunday, and that night she passed what looked like a big blood clot, but must have been the placenta with sack attached. She hasn't been through labor, but she said that it felt like what labor must feel like. She spent most of the day and night until the embryo passed in a great deal of pain. We had already resigned ourselves to the fact that this embryo was not going to progress, but somehow going through a mini labor and passing something that was recognisable as an embryo makes it somewhat more disturbing and distressing.

Everyones experiences and struggles are very different, somehow we have a huge capacity to cope with what life throws at us. Somehow though we always feel like we are on the knife edge. Sometimes reflecting on other peoples stories of hardship and trial give us strength on our own journey.

Abe

Nope

2011-06-04T15:25:00.002+12:00

HI,

Number 3 hasn't been lucky. The Beta HCG did not indicate that pregnancy had occurred. So we are back to waiting. It doesn't seem to matter how many times we do this, it's still a waiting game. And the twinges of agony continue. We have to wait for one regular cycle to occur, then we can try again. Sometimes I think it pays not to think too much about what has just happened. And everyone's ideas about when life begin are different, but for us our embryos are alive. They all have the potential to grow and be born, and grow further ... So we morn another life that is no longer living. Does it get easier? In some ways I hope not. I never want to decide that the ends justify the means, no matter what, and the ethics of what we are doing is complicated at best, but I will never say that having Abbigail was not worth the attempts, because without those failed attempts she could not exist. That is such a scary thought! To think that we could have decided not to pursue IVF, she wouldn't be sleeping soundly in her bed while I type this. Our lives have changed forever with her birth. but I wouldn't go back to the childless lifestyle for ANYTHING!!! Just stroking her hair is one of the most beautiful things I can imagine, and I thank God for being able to do just that!

So with the promise of potential children we continue on the IVF road. We have two further embryos... the statistics tell me that there is a good chance that we will have at least one more success, but statistics are just that, and I believe that statistics are a poor way of trying to predict the future. I know God has it mapped out - we simply have to wait.

So that's our news - no joy, but I guess no pain - no gain.

Abe

Emby number 3

2011-05-28T15:32:00.002+12:00

Hi,

Well, last Thursday we travelled to Dunedin to have our third transfer. We met with some friends who are on their own fertility journey and they looked after Abbigail while we were indisposed. It always seems rather surreal, in the infertility waiting room waiting to be told that we're ready to impregnate you now! Wow, just gave myself visions of alien abductions and the usual probings that go on during such events... Funny how it's not too dissimilar from that really... Don't get me wrong they do everything possible to make you feel comfortable and at ease (aside from numbing and paralysing you I guess), but somehow it just never seems to feel right, it's just odd. But I guess as infertiles we should probably feel used to not feeling normal, right?

Anyhow, they seemed to have more trouble this time getting the catheter in the right place, and Sarah described it like she felt they skewered her uterus trying to get the the top part. They told us this time that Sarah has a retroverted uterus and cervix, which means the birth canal is simply not straight, it kinds of bends back towards the spine, which apparently will go some way to explaining her wicked abdominal pains every month. I also wonder if it contributes to our infertility, when combined with sperm that don't know what's good for them, or where to go to get it.

But the proceedure was over just as quickly as last time, and given 10 minutes to let the embryo rest and settle, we were up and away again. I took that day and the next off work to take as much pressure off Sarah as possible and allow her to stay as horizontal as possible. It was a good opportunity to have some daddy daughter time. I LOVE that!

Sarah had some spotting and cramping, but has otherwise felt no different to normal, and once again we find ourselves reminded that this is actually normal. And once again we are counting down to Monday when all will be revealed!

Somehow we still end up thinking too fat into the future - somehow thinking about names pops into my head and I have to tell myself to stop. We haven't thought about names since we decided on Abbigail's name over two years ago!

Abbigail has been sick with a cold this past week, and now both Sarah and I are down with it too. So nothing to do, and no where to go because we're all cot cases needing a rest!

Anyhow just had to let you know where we are at, and that we'll know in a few days where we are at.

Abe

Back to square one...

2011-05-17T22:06:00.004+12:00

Hi everyone, it's been a very long time since I've even looked at my blog, let alone considered writing in it! I must confess to having been negligent in writing, I do hope you can find it within yourselves to forgive my tardiness (in the extreme!)

Abbigail is almost two, she shows no signs (other than a little waddle as she runs) of having been "cast" for want of a better adjective, in her hip spica. Her reflux is still a problem and she is now having 30mg of Omeprazole daily to control her reflux (to put it into perspective the starting adult dose is 20mg). They may operate in the months to come to band up her oesophageal sphincter to prevent the reflux, but we will wait and see...

She is a delight, and it is a privilege to be her Daddy. She is so articulate, and knows all the letters of the alphabet, and can count to 10 by herself (but doesn't always get it right ;-)). She is a rather independant soul, but loving and caring just the same. Every night when we say grace before our meal she interrupts me and says "Thank the Lord for the swing, and the slide, and the trees, and the flowers... AMEN!", have you ever heard of anything more georgous?! She loves her stories, and in particular the one about the easter story - she calls it the "Jesus is alive story".

So anyway, we find ourselves back at the starting blocks, infertility-wise. We have an appointment at our clinic on Thursday to have our third transfer. Once again we find ourselves wondering what the outcome will be, and I'm not even 100% sure we are ready for our next child. But I guess most fertile couples just find out that they are going to have another child, whereas we have to plan things out - and it could be easy to just wait - but we have commited ourselves to giving our frozen embryos a chance at life regardless of our circumstances. We will see it as a blessing to be pregnant again, but hopefully we can forego some of the complications of pregnancy, birth and post-natal period this time.

For those of you who know us personally, be advised we are keeping this attempt to ourselves at present. Just because everyone else gets to surprise people close to them with the great news of pregnancy, but us infertiles often don't get that joy, so we are using whatever means necessary to keep it under wraps. It also means that we won't have people asking us in about two weeks time if it was a success or not. It astounds me how people want to know such private details, perhaps it's because we open ourselves up to someone when we tell them we suffer from infertility, and they somehow guess that it's then ok to ask questions like "So... did it work??!!", I almost felt like saying something like "The answer will be obvious in 9 months time, if you haven't figured it out by then, then don't bother asking again".

Anyhow, Sarah's on the estradiol, and progesterone pessaries (she'd forgotten how inconvenient and disturbing they were), and we're all primed and ready for another shot at this... Sooo wish us luck!

May God be the director of our paths...

Good to blog to you all again,
Abe

My gorgeous little girl!

2010-08-01T00:00:00.000+12:00

Just had to show off my precious wee girl opening one of her birthday presents last month. I still can't get over just how lucky we are to have our special baby girl with us. It still puts tears in my eyes to think of what she has been through, and thinking back to what we went through to get her in the first place.

No one can tell you that your infertility is going to end happily ever after, we all hope it does... but never give up hope that it will end happily ever after, cause that 1 in a million chance that it will is worth every last tear drop of hope!

We hope to be able to embark on transfer number 3 in the next 6 to 8 months or so.

Take care all, and God bless...
Abe

One year ago...

2010-06-22T22:41:00.002+12:00

Wow... how time flies....

Where is Abbigail up to now? Well, she has been out of her spica cast for about 10 weeks, she has had her hernia operation, her gastroscopy, and allergy testing, she is crawling, cruising between the coffee table and the couch, taking steps when her hand is held to balance her, she has at least a dozen "words" that we recognise and she regularly practices, like "light", and "shoes", and "dolly". She is always on the go, and so hard to keep entertained and amused. She is constantly absorbing everything that goes on around her and is a complete bundle of joy!

Looking back at the post from a year ago, it's so hard to describe the emotions that are still there from a year ago, and everything we'd been through over the 4 years previous to that, in the light of what has happened in this last year. There is somehow a disconnect from the anguish of infertility, the longing and hoping, to where we are now - yet it's still there. But at the very least, regardless of future attempts via IVF, God has given us the pleasure of being parents to Abbigail. I've regularly thought - how come we deserve to have such a lovely, wonderfully animated and amazing baby girl - and the answer is that we don't. Everything that we've been through as a family over the last 12 months has been an immense privilege.

Being a father is the most demanding, tiring, hardest, most emotionally rewarding, exciting, exhilarating and tremendous job I've ever done or could ever imagine doing. Hearing Abbigail say Dadadadada, having her hold my hand as she tries to figure out how to take her first steps, having her rest her head on my shoulder as I carry her while doing groceries, are all the things that my heart most longed for in having children. There is so much still to come! I have to remind myself not to focus too much on what the future holds, or I'll miss out on enjoying the here and now. She will only be as she is for a very short time!

Tomorrow Abbigail turns ONE! It's been such a long and hard road this past year. And Abbigail has done so well through it all. We have survived - but when it comes down to it, she is the motivation and the inspiration we have both required to get through it too. It's like the tale of two cities - but more optomistic - It was the worst of times, It was the best of times as well. There simply aren't words to describe how much this last year has meant, how much she means. Tomorrow will be a busy day, and we won't get much time just to dote on her on her special day, but even now, the tears of Joy are right there, willing themselves to fog up my vision as I type. There will be times tomorrow when the emotion will simply be too much - but I think that is the way it is supposed to be. What kind of father would I be if remembering the day when our most special gift was given to us didn't cause at least a little mistiness to remind me just how much this little precious girl means to me - and how far she has come. I hope that never fades...

One day Abbigail, you will no doubt read these words, and possibly wonder how on earth we could get so soppy over you. The saying is certainly true - "when you have your own kids - you will understand". But I hope you understand already how much we love you.

God bless you, now and forever Abbigail.
Abe (and Mummy too)

Very long time, no post...

2009-12-25T21:27:00.003+13:00

Whew, it has been a REALLY long time since the last post! Can't believe it was september!

Well, to briefly catch you up on what has happened...

Abbigail spent 8 days in hospital after the tendon release surgery to her left leg. The cast was a HUGE change for her, and she didn't handle it well. It made her reflux 10x worse... She began to refuse to feed, hence the return to hospital. She needed NG feeding, and slow introduction of bottle only feeding. Sarah had to completely give up physically breastfeeding. This was a great dissapointment for Sarah, but she continued expressing. Eventually Abbigail stopped losing weight and levelled off, at which point Abbigail was discharged and placed on weekly weighs to make sure she was continuing to put on weight.

The weighs produced a lot of concern for us, and the charts that we had received differed from each other a lot, causing confusion about how she was doing. The end result was that she is well below the 3rd percentile weight wise. And we were only guessing what her weight really was! We felt very in the dark, and she struggled to put on decent weight gains week after week, mostly they were mediocre gains, or no gains at all.

Her 6 week check up came, and the xrays showed that the problem of the first hip (dislocation of the joint) had occured in the right hip, and that the left may not have set in the correct place. So she was scheduled for a redo of the operation bilatterally, with another cast to go on. They booked us in to have the cast come off mid morning so we could have at least several hours of time with her with the cast off. Sounded like a great idea! We'd be able to give her a shower (as she had had several bowel blow outs requiring more than a simple nappy change!!!

The day came... We took her in to have the cast off, and they rightly warned us that she would be unhappy with the proceedure, and gave us ear muffs - good thing too, because she was screaming, and I had to hold her still. When the cast finally came off we realised why she was crying so much....

She had given herself a hernia - right where you might imagine that it would hurt the most should you have the inside of your abdomenal cavity pushing through the muscle wall. It looked like someone had stuffed a golf ball under the skin, and she was screaming the place down! So that was a really hard time. She was in such pain, and it could randomly pop out leading to a screaming fit, leading to exhaustion, and of course she hadn't eaten since early that morning, so by 5pm she was beside herself. She didn't know what to do with herself because the cast wasn't there, she ahd no leg strength or lower back strength. Putting her down wasn't an option because she felt really insecure, and started crying. So she was a great deal more settled by the time she had the second cast on.

The hernia has been an issue since then, popping out periodically, but over the last week it has popped out at least twice a day. So I think something may have to be done about that sooner rather than later.

We have in the last two weeks weened Abbigail to Formula, started solids for two meals a day, and just today (yes Christmas day!!!) she had her first tooth cut through her gum... SO it's been a fun old time, and it somehow seems that it's been one thing straight after another, or even during another! None of this waiting for one bad thing to finish before starting into the next thing... no... we do things the hard way. I'm told this kind of thing is supposed to build good character. DO I HAVE TOO??? Was my old character really that bad??!! I jest - I figure I should learn from these hardships what I can. They call it "good character" for a reason...

So Abbigail will be in her cast until mid march, at which point she will have spent 6 out of her 9 months in a cast from mid-chest to ankles, and these are the hottest months for us - we are having to strip her down to her bare cast quite frequently and we're only hitting highs of about 20 degrees celsius at the moment! Things could get a lot more uncomfortable over the next few months

She is adorable, and the light of both our lives. Here's some recent photos Sarah took of Abbigail that I simply HAVE to show off...

What a CUTIE!!! There are more, but this isn't the easiest way to show you 30 photos...

She keeps us enteretained with her coos, and giggles, shreeks of glee, the way she stares at us when we eat, the way her hair curls up after it's washed, her georgeous smiles that could win the hardest heart... She's amazing, and we are so amazingly blessed to be able to call her our daughter!

Take care all, and I'll TRY to blog more often...

Abe

The hard yards

2009-09-20T11:48:00.002+12:00

Hi all,

Sorry it's been so long since the last post. Abbigail was discharged on the friday after her surgery. We had to starve her for 5 hours before the surgery, which went well, and had the expected result. She was very dopy but still rather sore straight after surgery, and then only had a little feed off Sarah, and then struggled to get any kind of routine going straight after the surgery. That night was not fun. She woke every hour of so, and would only drink a little bit each time. But friday was better, she finally had a good feed in the afternoon, and they decided to discharge her at that point. She wasn't really happy that night, but Saturday was a great day, she slept and fed well, until the night which again wasn't one of her best, and then Sunday we struggled through. She was increasingly agitated and was very grizzly. She didn't eat well, and we had a really nasty night with her. Then on monday she just refused to drink. Sarah couldn't get her to take anything off her, and she would scream whenever Sarah put her to the breast. I came home from lunch and essentially tried my whole lunch break to get her to eat. Nothing doing! We luckily had our first appointment with her pediatrician that afternoon, so I took time off for it to be there with Sarah. And just as well too. She was inconsolable. She litterally cried the whole hour that we were there. Did I say cry - I meant SCREAMED. I had to take her out of the consultation room for at least half of the appointment so that Sarah and the pediatrician could talk. The pediatrician was great. He was very concerned for her, and one of the things we wish had been done differently with the surgery was that she was weighed immediately before the surgery, but not immediately afterwards. So with all her weight gaining issues we were now completely in the dark as to exactly how much weight she had lost since the operation. She weighed 4.0 kg (I think) immediately before the surgery, and then four days later she weighed 4.8kg because of the cast she was wearing. And we had no idea how much weight she had lost. We know she lost weight because she drank very little, and also she was starting to be able to wriggle around in her cast. We could litterally slide our hands down the front of her cast! So he decided that she needed to be admitted to the children's ward again to be monitored and fed nasogastrically if need be. We got there at about 5pm, and at about 8pm we saw an intern doctor who basically took a history (do interns do anything else?) and then we were left to continue to try to feed her - she refused the breast point blank, and we had to resort to using a dummy to quiet her and soothe her, and then switch it for the bottle - she took some but very little. Over the next day we continued to struggle to get her to drink, and she continued to loose weight. So they eventually tubed her and this allowed us to attempt to breastfeed her and top her up as needed. Which was quite frequently. She has been put on omeprazole 5mg twice daily, and they have stopped the ranitidine, as the pediatrician suspected that it may actually have made her reflux worse. She is on daily weighs, and has had two days where she hasn't put on weight, but also hasn't lost weight. There is little more we can do other than struggle through, but they are going to do some investigation on monday to see what more they can find. They may do a gastroscopy (camera down to stomach) and may biopsy the lining of the osophagus to check for issues. So she is spilling a lot less, but still screams when sarah tries to feed her from the breast a lot. Sarah is struggling with this a great deal, and understandably. we are greatful that she is able to express and keep up with Abbigails needs that way. She doesn't just cry, but screams like she is in pain.

Hopefully we will find out more information with the new week that will help us to get to the bottom of the issue.
Abe

Surgery in 2 hours...

2009-09-10T10:38:00.002+12:00

Hi all,

I can't believe what has happened in the last 24 hours...

Let me begin the story last week...

Abbigail had an appointment at the hospital last Thursday to have her Hip joints ultrasounded as a routine check to make sure that she didn't have a congenital hip defect that her cousin had. We had previously had 2 paediatricians, 1 orthopaedic surgeon, 1 GP, 1 nurse and 1 Midwife look at her hips and say that they felt she was fine as there was no audible click on performing the usual tests on her hips. So we thought everything was fine...

At the hospital the ultrasonographer had no problem doing the right hip, and that was fine. So they moved on to the left hip, and had trouble getting a clear picture because Abbigail was quite upset and squirming so much. The ultrasonographer got a little annoyed and got peed on for her trouble. (Haha! Serves you right for hurting my daughter!) After waiting an hour for the orthopedic doctor to see her, the call was made to give her a brace to ensure her hips were in the proper place. After searching for a brace her size they came up empty handed and so Sarah was told to bring her back next week when a brace would be available, and they would try to do the scan again.

So fast forward to yesterday... The head orthopedic surgeon was present to inspect Abbigail's hips. He immediately diagnosed a dislocating hip due to a really shallow hip socket, and a tendon that was too short that would continually pull the ball out of the socket when attempts were made to relocate it into the joint. Apparently it is possible for a joint to be fine at birth and slowly degenerate over the first couple of months. Apparently the only option is to operate. And so she has been scheduled for surgery today!!! She is on the emergency list, so we are hoping and praying that she doesn't get bumped by something more serious. We are currently starving her so that she can have the general anaesthetic, she is currently an hour overdue for her feed, and she is currently handling things, but we know all hell is about to be unleashed as she has at least another two hours to wait before her surgery.

After her surgery she will need to be in a CAST for 18 WEEKS!!! That is longer than she has been alive! The cast will start at her armpits and finish at her ankles, it cannot be removed. There is an opening for her bottom and vagina for obvious reasons, but that is all. No showers or baths will be possible, and somehow we have to prevent poos and wees getting inside her cast. She is going to be 7 months old before we will be able to cuddle her unimpeded by her cast. 18 weeks of time between now and when we will be able to look at her without her cast on.

Of course this may explain some of the incessant screaming that she has had over the last month or so, as it can't possibly be comfortable - the doctors say it's not painful and demonstrated the dislocation without Abbigail reacting painfully. But seriously! How could it not be at least a little uncomfortable!

I particularly feel really bad. Since she was born I have had a number of times where I've gotten so frustrated with her for crying for "no reason", and there were no real reasons obvious at the time, but I still feel like an incredibly selfish and impatient father for being angry with her. She couldn't tell me what was wrong, and we couldn't have known. Her tears are not for no reason, and now we understand what she has been trying frantically to tell us for goodness knows how long.

So in several hours we will have a cast Baby girl, that will no doubt be in serious pain, and will be frantically desperate to be fed once the surgery is over!

I'll post by phone with updates as I can.

Thanks in advance for thoughts and prayers,
Abe

Long time ... no post...

2009-09-04T19:24:00.003+12:00

Hi all,

Abbigail will be 11 weeks old next Tuesday. That statement by itself is fairly amazing! But there have been trials along the way. The regular day to day of feeding, changing nappies and sleeping are just par for the course now - those aren't trials. Silent reflux, hip dysplasia, spilling milk and poor weight gain are our most recent trials. We realised after starting to treat the reflux that Abbigail actually spent most of her awake time crying. It's funny how when something that's abnormal happens all the time, it becomes the normal. It was kind of summed up well by an incident that occurred after the reflux started to be treated on Tuesday. Sarah needed something from Abbigail's room, and thought she was asleep because all was quiet, so she walked in and discovered Abbigail staring back at her from her cot! A quiet baby has been a foreign concept to us! On Thursday Abbigail had an appointment to have an ultrasound scan of her hips to check they are fine. We both thought it would be a formality, but Abbigail screamed blue urder the whole time, and after several atempts they decided that her left hip isn't properly positioned and that she needs a hip brace to ensure they stay in the right place for some undetermined period of time. So they proceeded to try to fit her to a brace, only to discover that there were none her size, so she has to go back next week to be fitted appropriately and have another scan to try to get a better picture of what is going on for her. On Monday we had the plunket nurse come and visit to weigh Abbigail and check on her progress. Apparently she had only put on 50g in the previous 11 days since the last weigh. Since then practically every feed has been a huge disaster - she simply struggles to feed well. We have put it down to silent reflux for which she is now being treated with Ranitidine. I've been feeding her at night to give Sarah a break between feedings to get a decent sleep, and ordinarily she would cry to wake us up to feed her, then she would settle as she fed and really guzzle it down, but the last three nights she has continued to scream (not just cry) and I litereally have to hold the teat in her mouth so that she swallows some milk between breaths as she screams. That is until she passes out from exhaustion and finishes the rest of her bottle while she is asleep. There are times when she is very happy and alert, so we're not so concerned about her not getting enough, but it's so hard on us, and of course her.

Don't get me wrong - this is not a complaining session, or a I wish we hadn't done this, because she is still the most amazing thing that has happened to us, and we thank God for her every day. But it has sure kept us busy, and emotionally drained. The thing is that there are people out there who have much harder times as parents, and considering where we've come from we have no right to complain.
She is still a (between screams) constant source of joy and pride to us both. She is more beautiful today than the day she was born! She just continues to get more georgous as the days go by. She is still under 9 pounds. Here are some more recent pictures...

Isn't she beautiful! We just busted her sucking her thumb! :-) That made us both laugh! I had a bout of awesome smiles from her a few weeks ago, and she's teased us ever since with the odd smile. It's a magical thing to behold. So that has caught you up on where we are at right now. The next week or so will be very interesting as it will lead us on to pathways of solution for many of her problems so far.

Take care all,

Abe

The slideshow

2009-07-05T12:24:00.007+12:00

Hi everyone,

We got back from the hospital two days ago, and it's been crazy trying to get everything organised just the way you want it...

Now I know that I teased you all earlier in the piece with a slide show set to music, and so here it is. For us, the fact that IVF was necessary in allowing us to get pregnant, did not automatically mean "baby in nine months time". Those who struggle with infertility know that there are hundreds, if not thousands of steps in the process from before fertilization of the egg through to live birth. If any one of those steps is flawed in our process then the end result is not a live baby in 9 months time. The rationalist might say "It's only a matter of time", but for us at the coal-face of infertility - there is so much more to it!

With the slide show I wanted to capture the emotion, as well as the faith journey that Sarah and I have gone through. Ultimately we feel that without God's loving hand being involved in every minute aspect from formation of gametes through to birth - none of this would have been possible. So this slideshow is as much to present Abbigail Grace to you all, as it is to give our thanks and glory to God for what he has done. And I guess I just wanted to say that he is magnificent. By the way, the photo of Sarah and I with a rose in the background was just after the moment Sarah told me that she was officially pregnant :-)

I put this together during the week, and I know it's caused one or two damp eyes since we've shown it to relatives and friends. So let me know what you think, and I'd love to hear if it touched you like it did them. I had the most awesome time making it!

I realised that I really need to explain a little bit more about why the song choice was so significant. There's a few lines which stand out to me particularly as relevant in our infertility journey.

Only love can leave such a mark - anyone who has truly loved knows this is true. In the case of having children the mark is exponetially larger

Only love can heal such a scar - you all know what scar this refers to. Infertility itself is for all of us one of ther heardest things we will ever endure. This scar penetrates so many levels of our psyche - and we all know the one thing that can cure it, is so elusively distant from our grasp... until the magnificent happens.

You and I will magnify, the Magnificent - This is perhaps the most moving line of the whole song for me. As a christian, it is only fair that I say that I attribute the birth of our daughter to Him. We couldn't do it by ourselves. Yes medical science was instrumental, but all medical science could do is put the sperm inside the egg. God still had to look over all the biochemical and genetic aspects of the fertilization, implantation, development, birth and everything in between. We all know that there are plenty of things that can (and have in our case) go wrong to prevent a fertilized egg progressing to the end result. We all know there is no such thing as a foregone conclusion.

Take care all,
Abe

Introducing . . .

2009-06-25T07:24:00.001+12:00

Abbigail grace, born at 1.39 pm, 5 pounds 9 ounces. She is feeding
really well given her 36 week birth. I'm sorry but I can't send a
photo with this method of blogging. Be sure it will be the first thing
I do when I get a chance!

Flash back . . .

We were taken up to the prep area in our gowns and scrubs. I got to be
with sarah right up until the birth, which sarah really appreciated.
She was given a spinal block, which according to sarah was the worst
part of her experience. Having to lean forward and hug her knees
(impossible) and not recoil with pain at the injection into the spine.
She felt very nauseous initially as her blood pressure dropped as we
had been warned. With extra fluid on board she felt much better. They
then set her up on the operating table with a screen preventing her
from seeing the drama unfolding beyond. I sat next to her just holding
her hand as the anaesthetist talked with sarah to keep her mind
distracted. Before sarah realised what was going on they announced
that they were half way there! Sarah was surprised that they had even
started! The anaesthesia was very good! I took a look at this stage
with a feeling of mounting anticipation! They must have been looking
to find the best way to cut into the uterus. Not only was placenta
previa a problem but placenta accretia. Sarah had blood vessels that
penetrated uterus. This further complicated things. Several minutes
later I looked again and the doctors were playing tug of war with the
head and body of our daughter. The doctors won and abbigail was put
under heat lamps and poked and prodded, towelled off. My attention was
torn as I took in the awesome sight of my daughter, and looked back to
ensure sarah was still well. They decided to take abbigail away to
neonatal and I was asked if I wanted to go and look after her. After
checking with sarah that she was ok with that, I went with the
paediatrician to neonatal. There they attached probes and monitors to
measure heart rate, blood pressure, temperature, and measured blood
glucose. All the time I simply can't take my eyes off my daughter. She
is SO gorgeous! After what seems like only 5 minutes they declared
her well enough to not need to be kept in the neonatal unit. During
the whole time I was quite overcome with emotion, and couldn't stop
the tears. I was so privileged to have the first meaningful hug with
abbigail. She just stared back at me, taking it all in. So about half
an hour after leaving sarah, she was stitched up and waiting in
recovery. Abbigail and I went back to say hi and reintroduce then to
each other. Sarah had a really good session of feeding with abbigail,
and eventually sarah was allowed to return to her room. Sarah has been
in significant pain since then, and so far has been rather unable to
do very much at all. At the moment her speedy recovery and sleep for
the both of us would be our greatest wishes.

Sorry it's taken all day to get this written. I'm not sure where the day went!

Abe

--
Sent from my mobile device

Introducing . . .

2009-06-24T21:03:00.000+12:00

Flash back . . .

Sorry it's taken all day to get this written. I'm not sure where the day went!

Abe

--
Sent from my mobile device

6 Hours to go!

2009-06-23T07:52:00.001+12:00

Whew! We made it! My only problem with not sleeping was because sarah
couldn't help but snore when she was asleep. I had ear plugs and
everything! I figured she deserted and needed the sleep!

It's such a surreal time. This morning is (apart from the early start)
is just like every other morning ... But we know it will be a day
unlike any other. Head knowledge can only get you so far in a
situation like this. We are about to be added to. Our miracle is about
to be revealed.

After the struggles and heartbreak of the last 4 years, everything
(apart from infertility) is about to change. The agony of 4 long
years of feeling the pain and dealing with the loss of what we never
had is about to come to a close.

Sarah has some nerves, but she describes it as more of a biological
response as she isn't nervous cognitively. I can rationalise that this
is the only course of action that could possibly provide a good
outcome, but I know better than most the possibilities of things that
may go wrong. That is enough negativity for today. Now that i've
thought about it, it won't happen! :)

The next time I blog, i'll be able to tell you about our bundle of joy!

Abe

--
Sent from my mobile device

One sleep to go ! ! !

2009-06-23T07:27:00.000+12:00

Neither sarah or I slept very well last night. Only thought about
tomorrow once, but it's all the other things that come to mind! No
doubt tonight is going to be a write off too! But that's to be
expected. We are going to have the operation at 1 pm nz time. It seems
like a crime to spend this next 24 hours doing things like watching tv
or watching movies... But today will pass so slowly and of course
there is plenty to worry about.

I have dreamed so much of tomorrow. My mind has played through the the
scene so many times. I still find the idea so hard to imagine. I can't
put a face to the name, or a tone to the voice as emby cries that
first cry. This is ridiculous, I can't even type this without tearing
up! Tomorrow is going to be an incredibly emotional day!

--
Sent from my mobile device

Two sleeps to go part 2

2009-06-21T19:17:00.001+12:00

Sarah just had here baby shower here in the maternity ward. Iv was a
lot of fun for her, especially considering how long she has been stuck
here! They had games and food and gifts, it was very special! So many
of them have known for a long time of the struggles we have faced over
the last 4 and a quarter years. They even got me a "daddy's diaper
duty" tool belt. Which was very funny, but it was nice to be included.

We will probably find out the time details for the c section tomorrow.
I think I will end up staying here with sarah for the next few days at
least. I'm really looking forward to up all going home! Its been a
long four weeks so far!

Abe

--
Sent from my mobile device

Two sleeps to go!

2009-06-21T11:26:00.001+12:00

grrr... I just deleted what I just spent the last 15 minutes typing on
my mobile phone. So frustrating!

I woke up several times last night with excitement and struggled to
get back to sleep. So i'm a little tired today, I have no idea how i'm
going to sleep in the next 48 hours! It's like a cross between the
night before christmas and the night before an exam that you feel
grossly unprepared for! It's obvious what the excitement is all about,
but the apprehension is due to what could go wrong.

Sarah is having her last baby shower this afternoon. We're going to
have iv in the waiting room of the maternity inpatients clinic here at
the hospital. Should be lots of fun, but I just hope that if anyone is
sick, that they won't come. We have had visitors in the last 4 weeks
who have come despite being unwell and have passed on colds etc and
its just not fair. Do people just not think when they enter a hospital
or do they not care?! Anyway, i'm going to make a point of asking
sick people who turn up not to visit us on tuesday. Especially with
the swine flu being spread through the community as much as it is at
the moment.

Anyway, that's enough for now. Will catch you later.

Abe

--
Sent from my mobile device

Three sleeps to go!

2009-06-20T12:06:00.001+12:00

Woohoo! So close!

Sarah is again allowed to have a couple of hours away from the
hospital, so we will do a little shopping and more organising at home.
So we are looking forward to that.

One really good thing is that sarah is doing really well at expressing
colostrum. She has been producing up to 25ml at a time now, so emby
will not have to have formula at any stage.

Sarah is thoroughly sick of hospital food! Its amazing the types of
foods that get passed off as edible! All this bland heart food and low
fat stuff ~ yuck!

Sarah is otherwise fine, and so is emby. So just hoping iv stays that
way until after emby is born!

Will let you know if anything changes.

Abe

--
Sent from my mobile device

Four sleeps to go ~ part 2

2009-06-19T16:31:00.001+12:00

Hi again, sarah has had her iv replaced. No dramas and little pain,
which she is rather relieved about.

At this stage we are expecting that there will be a best case scenario
after emby's born of a 3 day wait before sarah and emby can in home.
That's probably an overly optimistic best case though. It could be as
long as 10 days though. It entirely depends on the needs of emby after
birth.

So what philosophical topic can I write about now? We have discovered
that we now know what emby's birthday will be! 23rd of june 2009. I
imagine not many parents get to know that kind of thing until
afterwards. It's just something we hadn't processed.

I'm trying real hard not to get too excited because iv makes time pass
too slowly. I know I said I wasn't in too much of a hurry to get
through this time, but i'm starting to wish it away. I just can't
wait! There is so much to do and get used to! Oh, and we've got to get
used to this new person that we've never met! I still can't imagine
what it will be like...

Probably the most amazing experience of our lives!

Abe

--
Sent from my mobile device

Four sleeps to go!

2009-06-19T10:50:00.001+12:00

Sarahs special iv line failed yesterday so they had to pull it out.
The specialist nurse should be in today to put in another one. Sarah
is not looking forward to that.

Sarah has had plenty of visitors. And has put up a sign on two
afternoons to say "sleeping until 4 pm" and at 4:05 on both days
someone knocked at the door to visit sarah. So if anything sarah has
had more visitors than she knows what to do with. In a good sense of
course.

I've got to do some colouring with my niece now so i'll write again after that.

--
Sent from my mobile device

How many days left?

2009-06-18T15:01:00.002+12:00

I'm trying to decide how best to count down the time until emby
arrives. Should I count down days, or hours, or as sarah just
quipped, how many iv lines she has to go through...

Sarah has just been told that she has to have her iv changed again.
She's not looking forward to it because it's quite painful. She ran
out of veins before the last iv change so a specialist iv nurse had to
make it work. They have just decided to pull it out. So I don't know
how they will get the next one in without the specialist as he is away
today.

Sarah just decided that the best way to measure time left is that
there is five sleeps left! That sounds good to me !

Sarah just reminded me of how important doing this blog is. One day
emby will be able to read this and hopefully understand some of the
emotions that we have gone through as well as understand just how
special he/she is. I imagine that would be an amazing thing to read 10
years down the track.

That's all for now. We're going to take a nap.

Abe

--
Sent from my mobile device

Informed consent...

2009-06-17T22:32:00.002+12:00

The words are very simple, yet seemingly elusive to certain health professionals in our locality. Sarah was asked to sign an informed consent form when she agreed to have the C section done on Tuesday next week. That was fine and dandy. She figured that really there is no choice regarding how Emby is going to come into this world. But the form says that you have been informed of the risks and possible outcomes of the surgery - and also that you agree that the risk is acceptable to you.

However tonight we had one of the better midwives on who asked if someone had gone through with us what will happen on Tuesday. We reply - no, no one has explained anything to us - which is true. We figured someone would at some point. I guess that time was tonight. Everything was pretty standard, until the midwife explains that if in the worse case scenario that bleeding cannot be stopped, then the uterus may have to be removed. Now, if that's what has to happen in a worst case scenario then fine, that is just what has to happen. Easy to rationalise when you are talking about your wife's life. But I think I would have been pretty annoyed had we got to the day and the worst did happen, if no one had explained to us that it could be a possibility. It wouldn't change the outcome, but that should have been explained prior to the informed consent form being signed!

Forgive me, I'm just a little annoyed about that because it's stuff like that that needs to be explained. I guess I'm the kind of guy that likes to know all the info, the pro's and con's so to speak. It doesn't change the outcome - I'd sign anything that would make sure they both come through the proceedure healthy and happy! But at this point I want to know all the risks.

Anyway, that's just my little rant for tonight. I'm liking being able to blog during the day while I'm with Sarah, because that has been a little frustraiting - there is actually very little to do, but I'm not getting bored. It's actually quite relaxing just sitting back and letting the rest of the world worry about it's own concerns for time. It's really good to let the world pass us by for a change!

The midwives have recommended that Sarah express to have some collostrum on hand should the baby come early. Apparently the usual amount for new mothers to be to express is only 2 or 3 ml daily, Sarah does that without even trying! She can do up to 25ml in a sitting, and she does it twice a day! But anyway the reason I'm mentioning this is because I just talked to her on the phone, and someone has taken the collostrum she expressed this morning - hopefully by accident. But she's real miffed! And fair enough to! It's not that we wouldn't share if someone asked, but people can't just do that. It was properly labeled etc. Anyway, who knows what happened.

Hmmm... Maybe I wasn't finished ranting... Oh well, I am now.
Abe

My first blog from the hospital

2009-06-17T15:48:00.001+12:00

Ok, so this is my first real blog from hospital. It's going to be
really going to be great to be able to keep you all informed as to
what is going on! But I fear I may give myself RSI with using my phone
keypad if i'm not careful!

So where are we at right now ┄ well sarah got significantly better
pain wise yesterday. And her tummy just feels tired today. Sarah gave
a fellow inmate a manicure today and now all the nurses and midwives
are lining up for nail painting - well at least I think they would if
they could!

We have watched about 3 seasons of bones, half a season of americas
next top model and a season of project runway. We've still got a
season of bones and NCIS to watch so there is plenty to see!

So how are we doing otherwise? Well, sarah is bored witless which
really is to be expected after three full weeks! But otherwise she is
pretty good. We are both really excited about emby's arrival! But we
know we can't get too excited about it cause it's like the night
before christmas and getting too excited might just mean we explode
with anticipation!

But I guess there is only so much I can tell you can tell you about up
doing nothing but waiting for next tuesday to happen. But i'll try not
to bore everyone in the posts to come.

Abe

--
Sent from my mobile device

Sarah's still in hopsital

2009-06-16T08:00:00.002+12:00

HI all,

I'm writing this completely on the run so if there's spelling mistakes, I appologise...

Sarah must stay in hospital until the birth of Emby, the placenta has grown to completely cover the cervix, and as well as that has grown up over the area they would usually make the first incision to do the c section, so I'm fairly certain they will have to cut higher up to avoid cutting the placenta. That's not a real problem I guess. They have set a date for the c section to be done - the 23rd of June. That is 36 weeks for Emby - which again is fine and not really a problem - Emby may need some time in the neonatal care unit, and Sarah will need at least 3 to 5 days of recovery time after the c section - which again isn't really a problem. The problems will start to occur if anything doesn't go to plan. Sarah has had significant lower abdominal pain in the last 24 hours. She describes it as being akin to period pain, and feels like she would just before she would usually start to bleed in a period situation.

Usually with placenta previs the bleeding occurs without warning and is completely painless, so maybe that's not what is about to happen here. Please pray that it's not about to happen that way. We have been told that when that kind of bleeding occurs that it's like a tap turning on - with not off position. One of the nurses in the hospital told us of a situation where one lady lost about a litre of blood as she was on her way to the operating theatre and the doctors were not preped and scrubbed. The nurse didn't tell us the outcome, but I'm presuming she survived. So yeah this is a little scarey. But things at the moment are fine apart from pretty intense abdominal pain. They put it down to the baby being so active on top of the placenta. I'm happy wiht that diagnosis, just hope and pray that it's nothing more.

Basically we need for Emby to make it until the c section date. Because the alternative is quite scarey. I know that God has all things under control - not the least of which is the two most important people in the world to me. But none the less, I think letting you all know will at least mean more people are praying and thinking of us.

Thanks all for your support.
Abe

PS: If anyone knows of a good application for a mobile phone that will let you blog remotely (without having to send sms messages) can you let me know, cause that would be SOOOO much easier! I'll keep you as posted as I can!

Still in hospital...

2009-05-31T22:57:00.002+12:00

Hi all,

Sarah is still in hospital. There have been a few minor dramas - like Thursday when I was about 70% convinced that Sarah was about to go into labour. She had lower back pain, lower abdominal pain, had to lean over the bed to try and get comfortable, that kind of thing...

... but it petered out into nothing.

Sarah has had a blood clot inside the uterus which has been slowly releasing clots via discharge over the last week. They initially told us that she could go home once she was 24 hours with no discharge or clots. Sarah has been clear for about 36 hours - but they are waiting for another ultrasound scan on Tuesday to determine what is happening with the clot. If it is getting bigger - that is bad and could cause the placenta to come away from the lining of the uterus. If it is getting smaller then that is good, and Sarah may get to go home to have bed rest and no activity. That still leaves the problem of the placenta previa, which could still be a problem as the cervix softens and the uterus changes shape over the next few weeks. So lots of potential for drama, but we have been blessed so far that there really hasn't been any.

It has gotten me thinking though about "what ifs". I think my worst case scenario is that something happens and the doctors say "you have to choose between Sarah or the baby" - that is a question I don't know the answer to - and know I'm not likely to have to answer, so don't worry, I'm not getting myself too worked up. But it has really shown me how silly I've been in the past. I'm sure I've seen movies or read books where this question came up and I'd always thought "that's easy, choose..." - I haven't finished that sentence because I honestly can't remember what my oh so wise answer was back when I was free from the grip of emotional attachment...

I'm prepared for the fact that there is a possibility that things could go south - and I'm told they can go south very quickly - but surely I wouldn't have to choose...

I guess I should also say not to worry I'm not getting all pessimistic about this, I'm actually remarkably positive given the train of thought I've just taken you through. I have every confidence that Both Sarah and Emby will be just fine -it's actually really exciting that Emby could be born at any time. Sarah had the IM steroids that help speed the development of the lungs, and I'm told that 33 week babies do very well - if that's what Emby ends up being... It seems that the whole transition from husband to Dad occurs too quickly in the scenario where a c section is necessary, I imagine that when a normal delivery occurs both parents are at least mentally prepared that the baby is NOW on it's way - we may not get that. Another scenario is that Sarah has to have an immediate C section because she goes into early labour - and the baby could be out in the real world before I even get to the hospital from work - now that would be crazy! There seems (in my mind at least) some kind of visual cue that needs to happen for a father to see his child being produced from his wife - I think it would be horrible to simply arrive in the room too late and be handed the child and told that it's yours. It almost seems like there really is a stalk in that situation and you wake up one morning and a baby all swaddled up is sitting on your doorstep! Anyway I digress... I want to be able to hold Sarah's hand and watch as the baby is pulled out through the sunroof, and takes it's first breath and has it's umbilical cord cut. I think I need to see that.

So in the meantime we are watching and waiting with baited breath. Just what will the next 48 hours hold... and what about beyond that??!! It's amazing how you spend so long trying to get the chance to be parents - and when the time is almost upon you, you realise that you completely unprepared - despite all the nappies you bought, and the cot, and the change table... you get the picture. Obviously nothing can prepare us for this final frontier, but I'm sure God will give us that strength and the wisdom at just the right times.

On another note, I have decided that when Emby is born, I will need to make an electronic slideshow of photos/movies we have of the pregnancy/birth/early days to show friends and family (and you guys too!). The other day I decided exactly what song I will put with it - and it's possibly an odd one to initially consider, but I think it's perfect. And nope I'm not telling - yeah I know I'm such a horrible tease!

Take care you all - sorry for being neglectful of staying in contact - I kind of feel like I'm being pulled in about six directions at the moment with Work, Church, Sarah in hospital and all the other daily things. I'm sure you all understand.

Take care,
Abe

Things just start getting exciting again

2009-05-28T18:23:00.002+12:00

HI all,

I'm only able to write a small note because I'm about to head out, but here's a brief update on all that is going on...

On Friday afternoon Sarah had a light brown discharge that seemed to be fairly constant - she notified the midwife who said to let her know if anything changed. On Saturday it got slightly darker. So on Sunday after a continuing darkening of the discharge the midwife booked us in to see her in the evening at hospital.

During the short stay at the hospital a dark clot came loose and the midwife took some swabs to determine if it was due to infection or a blod clot. The did a referal for an ungent ultrasound scan to see if a bleed had occurred.

Monday afternoon saw us at the ultrasound clinic. The scanner told us that Sarah had a definite placenta Previa (planceta completely blocking the cervix), and Sarah has a blod clot and that Sarah needed to be in hospital because these can bleed profusely. So that evening Sarah was admited to the meternit ward, and there she has stayed - and will stay quite possibly until the baby is delivered! She has had a number of clots come away over the last couple of days, and they say that she needs to be in hospital until she has had a clear 24 hours with no clots or discharge. They are doing daily fetal monitoring, and have decided today to give Sarah steroids to encourage the lung development of Emby incase an early delivery is necessary. The delivery will have to be "through the sunroof". There is a risk regarding the clot that if it gets bigger rather than dissolving that it may cause the placenta to come away from the Uterus endangering both Sarah and Emby, so another scan will be had on Tuesday next week to determine what is happening with the clot.

Sarah is fine, just tired and a little sore from lying the same positions all the time, but is otherwise feeling fine.

I will try and keep you all up to date when I have the time - between working, and being with Sarah (without an internet connection) I'm not finding much time to even be on the internet, but be rest assured, I will be updating you with all the important info!

Thanks Guys,
Abe

Long time, no post...

2009-04-28T20:35:00.004+12:00

Hi everyone, sorry for the HUGE gap between posts - work has once again only gotten busier, and hence more stressful...

Anyway - here's some pics of our nursery...

We thought that paddington bear was gender neutral enough... :-)

We have also bought a set of drawers and a baby buggy since these photos were taken - might show you those photos later.

As for something more poignant... I'm struggling to think of something at the moment.

I have a couple of friends moving out of town who read this blog - you know who you are... Just wanted to say that we'll miss you heaps, but know that you won't be strangers. You two have been a huge support over the years and it's been a real privilege to be on the inside of your journey through infertility. simply by being there you have helped, your advice has been invaluable, and don't forget - we can still fly F16's and down Mig29's over the Internet :-)

And to the rest of you - thank you too for all that you do.

Abe

20 week scan...

2009-03-10T20:25:00.005+13:00

Ok, so the votes are in!

To be honest I decided completely seperatly from the poll - but it's good to know what you all think! So by now you're probably begging to know exactly what I decided - It was all up to me because Sarah was sure she wanted to know, but only if I wanted to know. So there I was on the day of the scan thinking to myself how do I decide which way to go? Really my only two motivations for not knowing were that it will be something extra for Sarah to use as motivation during the hard times of labor, and that its another great thing to find out at the time of birth... But on the other had what motivation do I have to find out... Well, I will know now what sex the baby is, and be able to call it one of the "favourite names" that Sarah and I have picked out... and of course there is simply the fact that we can! I know lots of people think it's more natural to find out the old fashioned way, and I respect that.

So here we were - Sarah lying down on the bed, ultrasound probe showing us images of emby... and the operator says... "Now this is his face... oh, and by the way do you want to know what sex the baby is?", now of course we know he is kidding - or is he? Anyhow I decided on the spot... "Yep!". So the ultrasonographer continued and towards the end of the scan pointed out to us the essential parts that indicated with "great certainty" what we are having.

I'm sorry, but I just can't bring myself to tell you all what sex our Emby is. And for those of you who voted in the affirmative because you wanted to find out too, I'm sorry, but you will just have to wait until Emby's birthday to find out.

Sarah and I have had a very public (especially in our church circles) period of trying to conceive, and pregnancy, and we both feel that we should be able to keep this one secret to ourselves - just for us.

So I hope none of you are too bummed about that, but we are over the moon - and I guess we would have been either way - but it certainly feels very special to know that in approximately four months time I will be a father to a very special ....

Ok, I'll stop teasing you now :-)

For those who wanted to see pictures - here you go...

If I figure out how I will try and upload the video that we got, but it's not in a very useful format, and my laptop won't even play it unless I play it directly from the DVD we were given. Then again, many of you might not want to see it - in which case please feel free to not watch it. I know how difficult that can be.

You guys are all so special, and I hope and pray that your odyssey will bring you to the place of joy that we have come to - by God's grace.

Abe

WOO HOO!!!

2009-02-27T11:03:00.004+13:00

HI everyone,

you may be wondering what could cause such an emphatic and enthusiastic title - some of you may have guessed!

Sarah has been experiencing little flutters of movement for several weeks now... The night before last (sorry it's taken so long to blog about - I've been busy!) we were praying together in bed, and I, as I often do, had my hand on Sarah's bump where Emby is busily growing up, and mid sentence I felt a little poke! It was so unexpected - but SO COOL! It is perhaps the first milestone I was able to witness - apart from Sarahs waistline expanding - and it has added a new dimension to the understanding in my mind that this pregnancy may infact lead to a true bundle of Joy in late July (give or take of course). I feel on top of the world! How much more jubilant will it feel in about 4 months time??!! I don't know, but BRING IT ON! :-)

God bless you all,

Abe

Have your say...

2009-02-24T19:45:00.002+13:00

Hi everyone,

I'm still undecided about whether we should find out if the baby is a boy or a girl... Please vote and let me know what you think. Sarah is keen to know, but if I say no, then she's happy to wait until the birth to find out. I just don't know...

Let me know what you think and I'll let you know what we decide - our scan is on the 4th (at the moment)

God bless!

Abe

Musings after the miracle

2009-02-21T18:23:00.003+13:00

HI everyone,

I've been busy again, and realising that it's actually very tough to find the time required to read every one's blogs, and reply to everyone, so please don't feel neglected if you haven't heard from me for a while... I'm just a tad snowed under at the moment...

I've been reflecting recently about the journey, or odyssey as I've called it, and realise that the last four years or so have forever changed our lives. I've found a website that actually would have been really useful to direct friends and family to during the hardest of times as it would have said much more eloquently and completely all the things I wanted to tell them about how we felt, but didn't have the emotional energy to do... here it is...

http://www.fertilitynz.org.nz/index.cfm/1,54,html/Emotional-Minefield

It has a number of pages that describe really well a number of the issues that we have struggled with over the years. Hopefully some of you will also find it useful.

In reflection of how things have been I realise that to a greater or lesser degree depression had been a ... how do you describe it without making it sound like I should have been locked away somewhere for my own protection... a mist. Like a fog that had slowly and insidiously rolled across my landscape, tainting everything with melancholic frustration. I know that for us, the infertile, elusive pregnancy becomes something that we constantly long for, think about and dare I say it obsessively contemplate... It's natural - and I think even necessary - but I have to say it can become unhealthy. But how do you break free of it? Even having a big fat positive doesn't burn through that misty fog of obsessive melancholy. I haven't got that answer yet - I'm not even sure there is an answer. Having children is a core thing for us all isn't it? Perhaps the principle of longing for things we don't/can't have makes it worse... But there is so much that simply compounds our issues, our emotions, and our state of mind.

One thing I know for sure is that being able to express my struggles, thoughts, emotions, depression and longings was essential, and just what I needed when I began blogging - and you guys have all been such a great support!

I always wondered how expectant mothers and fathers could possibly talk to people about their bundle of joy on the way without dissolving into a teary mess... But somehow I manage not to do it - yet there are other times I simply marvel at the miracle of life that we've been blessed with, and tears simply well up in my eyes... Anyone who has struggled with infertility - for any length of time - who eventually has their wildest dreams come true after so many disappointments, hurts and losses - knows that you can never take for granted the miracle that is pregnancy, child birth and life. Every day I thank God for the immeasurable privilege, responsibility, joy and precious life he has given us. What more can I do?

I know that the struggle goes on for so many of you, and we will have to embark once again on the journey that is infertility... I'm praying for you all and hoping that despite past struggles, disappointments and failures, that your miracle is just around the corner...

God bless,

Abe

30!

2009-01-27T18:34:00.002+13:00

Hi everyone,

No, I'm not turning thirty - not yet anyway - but according to my blogger dashboard this is the thirtieth blog I've written... It doesn't seem like that many - but I suppose it must be...

To update you all, Sarah is still trying hard to cope with tiredness every second day, has not thrown up now for a good few days, but still suffers with nausea until her stomach settles mid morning. She has had particular issues with her bladder - she called the midwife several days ago about it because she'd had continuous paid in the pelvic region for longer than 24 hours, and the midwife was a little concerned so she arranged for Sarah to have a quick hospital visit to have tests done so an obstitrician could take a look at the results - apparently nothing to be overly concerned about - just a little protien in the urine, and possibly a minor bladder infection - but could have been just bacterial contamination. She still frequently has bladder pain, but no urgency to go to the loo, or stinging on peeing. So Sarah has had to give more urine to be tested. Apparently the babies heart is beating strongly and the rate is "appropriately varied" - which is no doubt better than inappropriately varied...

We announced our pregnancy at church this weekend - It wasn't as pretentious as that sounds... During the evening service they were asking various people if they had anything that they wanted to say that they were particularly thankful for to God - and Sarah was asked if she wanted to do anything like that - so it seemed appropriate to both say our bit and thank everyone for being so supportive and prayerful for us. Before I started this blog, Sarah had spoken at another sunday evening regular event called "My Story", where various people are asked to shar snippets from their life which are significant - So Sarah shared about our issues, and since then it's been a rather public affair, and there have been people who just assumed that because Sarah talked about it then, that we would be fine and happy to talk about it with who ever - when ever - which I'm sure many of you will agree is not always going to be the case. But most of the time it was fine. So this was our way of just letting everyone know what's going on and how we're going. There have been a great number of people who have prayed for us regularly from Church, and they have been a great support. As of course have all of you! So thank you for all your kind, and encouraging and thoughtful words of wisdom :-)

On a more quirky note - Sarah and I have been watching Smallville, and to my amazement Sarah knows very little of the Superman story - so we rented the five Superman movies and are going to watch them through this week. Who cares that the originals were made in the late seventies and eighties - it's a great story! Some classics will never die!

God bless,

Abe

Meet Emby!

2009-01-14T19:35:00.003+13:00

Hi everyone,

Sarah had her week 13 scan yesterday, which was a great

time! Our ultrasonographer is really nice, and has a number of typical trademark jokes which are world famous in our neck of the woods... he hasn't tried any of them on us directly yet, but I know they are on their way sooner or later.

The NT test result is fine. In his words we have a perfect looking baby. Nice to hear, but I'm sure he says that to all the parents he scans!

Here is our latest picture of Emby...

During the last scan we had we got to see a faint flicker that indicated the heart beat, and that was a very relieving sight to see (It seems like so long ago!), but yesterday we got to hear the heart beat, only briefly, but it was music to my ears I tell you!

Sarah now feels like it's a bit more real. We also had an appointment with our midwife today - she is really nice. I missed most of it because I was working, but I was able to meet her during my lunch break, and I managed to catch some of the conversation. I think we can both be happy with her as our midwife.

Sometimes it does seem a little surreal and rather dream like with all of this going on. It's a real challenge to let myself believe that everything could actually be ok, and that we can actually enjoy this time and process and it could actually turn out just fine. Maybe we don't need to second guess what will happen. Up until now we've felt that it's safest not to get too emotionally attached to the idea that we may actually get a healthy and beautiful baby at the end of all of this - but maybe we can allow ourselves the luxury of believing? Sarah said to me before the scan that she felt like seeing the baby in the scan would make it seem less like a trick, and more like a reality that there was a baby inside her. I think that is a good summary of how we've been thinking until now. It's seemed easier to think of it as simply a positive test, and a blob on an untrasound scan (let's face it - those have been the only proofs we've had that there was a baby), than the very real possibility of a little human life being born to us in about 6 months time. It's almost too exciting to bear thinking about! I can't remember which movie I've heard this phrase off but it fits... "Even whispering the words could cause it to vanish" - well it was something like that... Basically it has almost felt like if we were to talk about having a baby, the whole thing could vanish as if it were a mist on a hot summer day.

But now we have an abstract image to call OUR baby! God has truly given us so much more than we deserve. When having a baby is something that you struggle to do - pregnancy is never taken for granted, and our Baby (if I dare say it...) WHEN it is born, will be the greatest treasure we've been given.

Abe

The life and times of...

2009-01-10T12:33:00.004+13:00

Hi all,

After being spurred on to give a more thorough update on the pregnancy (and seeing as I have a little bit of spare time) I thought I'd do just that.

We are about 12 and a half weeks through now, and we've finally managed to get hold of a midwife who seems even remotely interested and sensitive to our situation. This is quite a relief for Sarah, as it's been on our radar as something that we needed to get organised. We have been referred to from our fertility clinic to specialist obstetric care in our little hick town hospital. This doesn't exactly fill us with confidence as our hospital is notorious in our district is being filled with locum doctors who don't hang around long enough to get any real experience, and the doctors that do hang around tend to be foreign with poor communication skills, and a bed-side manner to match... We simply pray like mad that there won't be any complications to the pregnancy or labor - because anything out of the ordinary will likely be beyond the knowledge and skills of the doctors available unless its during normal working hours... Anyway enough ranting about that...

We are almost due for the 13 week nutial test to look for the possibility of Down's syndrome... We are not impressed that we are being made to consent to the test. As I understand it - apparently the test (for it to be funded) is required for us to be considered eligible for our 'specialist' care. Our LMC ("Lead maternity carer" - apparently the in vogue term for a midwife - who really cares what you call it?!) seems really lovely and is looking for a way around it for us. We don't object to the test - or it's ramifications, it's just that either way we will never terminate our pregnancy. The only thing a positive test result will do is cause more stress for us. What everyone in the health system fails to take into account is that there are very real chances of false positives for this test. So many abortions occur based on this test, and only God knows how many of them are performed in error based on the results of one scan. We personally know of situations where a positive result has led to christian parents-to-be being forced to decide on whether to continue the pregnancy, and having decided to go through with it have had perfectly normal babies. So for us the result is irrelevant. But I guess there is a certain attraction to the philosophy that ignorance is bliss at this stage.

Otherwise, Sarah is not feeling quite so sick, but still struggling with eating eno0ugh to stave off the dizziness and headaches and finding palatable foods to eat. We find ourselves trying to figure out if there is a little bump present or not. We have begun telling some closer friends that didn't already know about our Emby, and perhaps it hasn't been on the radar of as many people as we thought it was. Of course this whole thing has consumed much of our thoughts and been on our minds constantly for the last 2 months, but everyone else's lives go on, and it's probably a good thing that they don't think about us as much as we think they think about us. :-)

We decided this morning that every weekend we would do something baby orientated. I guess it has a number of positives. Firstly it means that we get things done on a more even keel than what is normal I guess, and secondly it means that we have something to look forward to during the week. This week I think we will pull down the Christmas tree, and move back the furniture we moved to the baby's room to make room for the Christmas tree, and finish off tidying the baby's room. It is a real mess at the moment - although not as bad as when we started of course...

I really can't believe that we are almost through the first trimester! I suppose we have had it on our minds right from the beginning - where as most pregnant couples don't know for possibly a month or six weeks into it. I guess all those old people I ever asked about how quickly life seemed to have passed during this time were right - it does seem to vanish as a vapour into the past. The past always seems to be like that, because all we have to quantify it with is our memory, and it never records things for us linearly - it's like things can be recorded in parallel - and of course the mundane always gets edited out. It's the present that always seems to be the most boring, mundane and time consuming. Somehow the future always seems so far away - unless of course it's a test or some unpleasant work thing that's tomorrow or next week - then the time flies by!

I just re-read what I've typed below and wanted to add a wee prefix. Please don't think that what I'm about to say is arrogant or condesending in any way. If you read my earlier blogs from before we had our positive test you will see my thoughts were the same then when we had only glimmers of hope always just out of arms reach... anyway - back into the stream of conciousness...

I have been reading a few other blogs where people have felt that they have had a bit of a drop in readership since they announced their pregnancies. I recall a number of times before Sarah's pregnancy where well meaning people (this happened more in real life than through blog comments) would offer stories about a relative, or friend who had apparently tried for years to get pregnant and succeeded through IVF, or IUI, or by simply not stressing about it anymore... and God granted them a miracle... Which is great for them, but as the infertile couple struggling with day to day and month to month - stories like that offer no comfort what so ever. I know that. So I hope that when couples who are struggling with trying to get that big fat positive pee on a stick test or blood test or what ever, read my blog - that they don't feel like I'm rooting for that same view point of 'encouragement' in their life - cause I'm not. I realised that for us, all those 'positive' stories were simply irrelevant. You can't say that simply because we managed to have a positive pregnancy test after our second IVF, after 3 and a half years of trying that it's ok cause sooner or later you'll get there too. Your situation is entirely different. I'm not naive enough to think that simply cause we had all our dreams come true that you will too. God has his own rhyme and reason. Like Job in the bible, I refuse to rant and rave at God for the perceived injustices in my life. There is more to my life circumstances than what I can perceive or understand, and it would be arrogant to suggest any differently. So if you are reading this and are asking the question "why has God allowed this to happen", don't be so quick to blame him. If you want the best answer you are going to get to that question this side of death then read the first couple of chapters of Job. There are hints there as to what really happens behind the scenes in our lives. In the last couple of chapters God lets us in on the secret of why we have no right to blame him for the circumstances we can't control in our lives. He puts us in our place. But makes it clear that he loves you and I - and those things which cause us short (or even long term) pain are often necessary in God's economy to bring us to an even longer term gain.

Sorry, I didn't mean to get all philosophical on you. It kind of just happened.

For those of you struggling with those things that are just beyond your grasp the best thing I can say is keep struggling - not don't give up hope - cause there might be days when you may not have a choice. Life wasn't meant to be fair, we should stop expecting it to be. But don't stop being optimistic. Pessimism is easy when we are trying to protect ourselves, and it's easy to be surprised when we don't think something good will happen. But pessimism will rob your joy, and hollow out your heart. It's simply the best thing to say that there is much in the world and in the life that we are just not supposed to understand. So stop expecting to - and thank God for all the blessings he has given you.

I know that if/when our baby is born we are going to look once again at having another. The same series of emotions/hopes/hurts/desires are going to re-emerge. We haven't been cured from our infertility by having one BFP.

Infertility is not just a medical condition, it is a social condition, an emotional condition, a mental condition and a spiritual condition. I'm not however saying that it is a disease. But for those of us who have the condition, it is all encompassing.

Abe

Every expecting husbands worst nightmare...

2009-01-03T20:21:00.002+13:00

I was just browsing the blogosphere for blogs about fathers who had become such recently and hoped to gleen some pointers. I searched for "blog becoming a dad", and there were various returns but one stuck out... "Becoming a Dad and a widdower all at once". So I followed the link.

Matt Logelin's Blog

The blog this link refered to is a tear jerker, and as I say - every husbands worst nightmare. It's certainly worth a read. I take my hat off to this guy - so many guys can't be a father to their child when there is a mother around to share the load - this guy has his priorities right - despite the tragedy of their situation he has continued through probably the roughest days any of us can imagine.

Still I got thinking before about how life must change when fatherhood approaches - its a scarey thought how the responsibility of parenthood is thrust upon us. We've been trying for about three and a half years to get pregnant, and now that we're here, I don't think that we'll ever feel ready for children, so perhaps it's just as well these things get thrust upon us. I've just realised how that sounds - when I say "thrust upon us", I mean that once you start this journey it cannot be paused so you can catch your breath, or check the user manual. I can't wait to hold our child in my arms, and speak it's name. But as I say there is lots of potential to screw things up along the way.

Still it's probably as easy as falling off a log - cause usually you have no choice about how you land once you start falling, but very few people don't live to tell the story afterwards :-)

That's enough musing for one night...

Abe

Peace and Quiet

2008-12-30T07:11:00.004+13:00

Hi all,

This morning I woke to the sound of brewing coffee, the faint aroma of aforementioned coffee, and a real sense of peace and quiet. That is such a long forgotten concept for me. I've since "puddled" as Sarah put it, and enjoyed every second of it. I can't remember the last time I had the opportunity to do this... Boy does it feel good!

Yesterday we bought a percolator which is responsible for the brew I'm now drinking, and it is different brew to simply putting it through a plunger - so I'm quietly happy with our purchase yesterday - especially since it was half price!

But there's something different about this morning - it's like I felt the world stop spinning, and the hustle and bustle of regular life was a distant memory. I felt like I connected with God more deeply than usual. Maybe it was the rising sun flickering through the trees, or the deep silence that can only occur at 6am in the morning. It felt really good.

Sarah is feeling generally better than she did a month ago - still has off days like yesterday with nausea. But we are heading towards 11 weeks, and enjoying reading through www.whattoexpect.com, it is very informative, and gives a glimpse into what is going on inside. Oh hang on, 11 or 12? It's so easy to get ahead of yourself because its so tempting to look at the next week and before you know it your looking two weeks ahead by accident... Hang on I've just got to figure it out... OK, it will have been 11 full weeks, and we will be starting week 12 tomorrow (Wednesday). Wow - the first trimester is only a few short weeks from being history... it does happy all so fast - I remember thinking some time back - 9 months is a REALLY long time to know your pregnant and have to wait for the baby! Perhaps it will pass more quickly than I thought.

Abe

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-26T08:44:00.003+13:00

Merry Christmas everyone!

It's amazing - we get to experience Christmas first in the world, and I'm only just wishing everyone a Merry Christmas - on our boxing day (26th of December). We are now at the 10 week stage of pregnancy, and Sarah is starting to feel less sick, but it does flare up from time to time. She's been VERY tired though - some days have been a real struggle for her to get out of bed! I really can't blame her for that - apparently our emby is going through a growth spurt at the moment :-)

We have flown up to my parents place for Christmas this year - the first time in many that I've had the time away from work to come up. I'm beginning to understand why many people really dislike Christmas - don't get me wrong - I'm no Christmas hater, but the stress of catering to the whims of families from both sides of the equation, not wanting to step on any ones toes, buying christmas gifts that everyone will appreciate (although I didn't get to do much of that - thanks Sarah for getting as much done as you did!), and dealing with the fact that many people feel that Christmas is more about family than anything else has started to take it's toll this year. Don't get me wrong - it's a great time to set aside to spend with family, but lets not forget that we wouldn't have Christmas without the real reason for the season - that God gave us his most special gift, Jesus. In TV programs and movies you always see the stress on people's faces, and the fact that they are forced to spend time with people they often don't get on with and make a big scene over it. It's just that I've never experienced a christmas like that up until this year. I've never been one to get too into playing mind games with what I say and how I behave - but my parents are masters - they will say one thing and mean another, and always vie for the moral high ground by strategically conceeding, and using guilt as a tool to get what they want. This year we're playing along, but not getting caught up in it. It's probably best I don't say any more cause I don't want you to think I was brought up by monsters, becasue that's not the case - they are loving and caring parents, but just like things their own way if you know what I mean.

We took the opportunity while we are here to tell family that we are pregnant, and it's been great. It's meant that we've had to tell people a little earlier than we would like, but it's the only opportunity we're likely to get to tell many of them in person.

Anyhow - just wanted to catch up and say Merry Christmas, and hope you all have a wonderful holiday season!

Abe

Too Busy

2008-12-16T21:36:00.003+13:00

HI all,

just putting in a little post to say that all is well, and that life has just found a way of being too hectic, and I just haven't been able to find the time to do my therapeutic blogging. Work has just taken over my life at present, and the time that I do have I spend with Sarah. I once listened to a talk given by Dr James Dobson entitled "Learning where to cheat". Essentially the premise was that we all cheat. It sounds pretty outrageous, but his point was that we should cheat on work before we cheat on our families - i.e. putting time and effort into promotions, or pay rises is a futile effort. Your boss may appreciate the hard work you put in, but pay rise is not going to get you back the time you missed with your wife/husband, son/daughter, etc. Now I'm not enticed by promotions or pay rises, but what I struggle to deal with is leaving my bosses in the lurch - and at the moment I think it would be touch and go as to whether the pharmacy could continue without me. It's not that I'm blowing my own trumpet, it's just that I don't think any of the potential replacements for me have got they staying power to make it work and train my replacement. Reputation is an important thing for me - not that I care too much what people think of me, but more that they know what I stand for. I've been working much more than I should be - and I need to move on. I can't still be doing what I do with the hours I currently do when our baby arrives. That's the bottom line. I've got to remember the lessons I learnt from Dr Dobson - and remember that it is best to cheat on work, than to cheat on my family...

Abe

Scan #2

2008-12-03T19:12:00.004+13:00

Hi all,

Sorry, I don't have time for a huge post tonight, but I'll just cover the essentials...

Just been back from our clinic, we're all real tired! My sister and brother in law have arrived back from Tonga and are staying with us, they're stuffed too! They have a delightful 13 month old child that is amazingly advanced, she's practically running, and knows so much baby sign language it's not funny!

Anyhow - here is the real reason for my post...

Our little Emby is still battling away - still has a heartbeat, and apparently the bleed that Sarah experienced last week is still in the picture (which explains the spotting Sarah had yesterday). Our specialist gives us a 1 in 50 chance of a miscarriage which is great news! But he cautioned us that we are not out of the woods yet. I have decided I don't like the woods - give me a grassy meadow any day!

We're all super wasted so I'm going to sign off now.

Take care all,

Abe

Update...

2008-11-28T23:20:00.002+13:00

Sorry for the delay in posting - you have all been really good for us - in that you keep coming back to check how we are and send us little messages to remind us that you are there and praying for us! To put you all out of your misery - the results are all good so far.

We of course had the blood test result mid morning on Monday which gave us some hope that our embryo was still growing. And of course Sarah had prebooked an appointment with our GP that coincidentally happened to be that afternoon. And he'd managed to get us an appointment with an ultrasonographer a little over an hour later...

So after quickly blogging to update you all, we went along to the ultrasound place, and prompt;y meet someone from church in the waiting room - it was relatively awkward, but we made the best of it - It was OK cause we know the guy relatively well, and he knows about our issues with TTC. Anyhow, we went and had the scan - Sarah had been drinking water like it was going out of fashion, and she had about a litre and a half of water in the space of the hour. She was seriously about to explode! So the ultrasonographer did the usual on the belly scan, and found that it wasn't that useful, so he then had Sarah empty her bladder, and go for the intra-vaginal scan, which was a lot more promising. I'd always dreamed about the moment I'd first see our baby on a scan - we'd get pictures to show relatives, and it would be such a special moment... But sadly this was more about just making sure it was OK. The area of bleeding was easily discernible, but significantly far enough away from where the embryo's attachment was to the uterus. As for what caused the bleed he was unable to tell us. The for the first time we got to see our embryo's heartbeat. Yes, I know it doesn't so much have a heart as it does have two tubes which flutter to pump it's blood around, but we saw it none the less! That was a truly awe inspiring moment - one which I will never be likely to forget.

So within the space of 36 hours we went from average to good outlook -> Bleak to disastrous outlook -> to being on top of the world.

Now we know that this by no means that we are out of the woods. Sarah has been on bed rest and taking it easy since then. Which is driving her batty! But the whole experience has given us a healthy respect for the possibility of things going terribly wrong... but I believe that God has an will show himself to be faithful - even though there are times when I fall grossly short of being the man he wants me to be. When I'm not falling grossly short, I'm just generally falling short.

And as for why I've been unable to fill all you lovely people in about what is going on - work has just been crazy over the last couple of weeks. I've not worked for less than 10 hours on any one particular day. My worst day was 13.5 hours, and I'm probably averaging about 11.5 hours I would guess (not including any breaks I might actually find time for). Did I mention that salaries suck? A salary, I've found, never works in the favour of the employee. Remember that!

Sarah had another blood test on Thursday which confirmed that things are still progressing well, with an HCG reading of 45,500. Apparently that is good for a pregnancy at just before 7 weeks.

Oh, by the way out due date is July 20. Amazing!

God bless you all for your prayers and concern over the last week(ish) - it means a lot!

Abe

Psalm 30

2008-11-24T15:15:00.003+13:00

Yesterday morning at church the worship leader was quoting Psalm 30. In the rush of what happened yesterday I don't know quite how it happened, but directly after that reading was read Sarah had her flow of blood begin. I didn't recall this fact until Sarah reminded me this morning. To save you looking it up I'll quote it here...

I will praise You, O Jehovah; for You have lifted me up, and have not allowed my foes to rejoice over me. O Jehovah my God, I cried to You, and You have healed me. O Jehovah, You have brought up my soul from the grave; You have kept me alive, so that I should not go down to the Pit.
Sing praises to Jehovah, O you saints of His, and give thanks at the memory of His holiness. For His anger is only a moment; in His favor is life. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. And in my blessedness I said, I shall never be moved. O Jehovah, by Your favor You have made my mountain to stand strong; You hid Your face, and I was troubled. I cried to You, O Jehovah; and I prayed to Jehovah. What profit is in my blood, in going down to the pit? Shall the dust praise You? Shall it tell of Your truth?
Hear, O Jehovah, and have mercy on me; Jehovah, be my helper. You have turned my mourning into dancing for me; You have torn off my sackcloth, and have clothed me with gladness, so that my glory may sing praise to You, and not be silent. O Jehovah my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

Once the first song started Sarah got up to go to the toilet. By the second song she'd come to get me. I didn't get to see any other part of the service, but I grabbed a few people I could see who I knew would be helpful to pray for us, and we all withdrew to the privacy of the prayer room.

Prayers were spoken, tears were cried, and God listened. This morning as Sarah and I discussed where to from here, the quoted psalm came up, and I looked it up. Sarah said "Either God's playing a sick joke, or it's going to be a miracle". I asked about her symptoms...

Bleeding stopped the night before, cramping has settled down - but not completely gone. Nausea is still present and breast size has not diminished. No passing of any blood-clot like tissue. I kept thinking to myself - is there a real chance here that Sarah may still keep the baby? Again - hope is a dangerous thing! I couldn't let myself entertain the idea.

Sarah had her blood test this morning for HCG. We had the call back from our fertility clinic this afternoon at about lunch time. Sarah's HCG level was 32,000 which apparently is a good result, so by the sounds of things Sarah is still pregnant, and that maybe we are one of the ones that has a "threatened miscarrige", where bleeding occurs, but the cervix is still closed, and the pregnancy can still go to term and be completely normal. Bear in mind I said "maybe".

Sarah had a pre-booked visit with our GP here in town today, so we both went seeing as I was taking the day off. Our GP wanted to make sure that we aren't dealing with an ectopic pregnancy, as you all know the chances are that little bit higher with IVF. So Sarah has a scan at 5:15pm today (about half an hour form now).

We still need to have another blood test done on Thursday to check that HCG is still at expected levels.

So things have quietened down a little since yesterday's drama, and so far everything is looking as good as you could hope for considering what happened yesterday! That was very scary though! It makes me realise that nothing is a sure thing. Certainly not yet.

Abe

The whole Gambit

2008-11-23T12:33:00.002+13:00

It seems that we may be destined to experience the whole Gambit of having infertility...

Sarah started bleeding about two hours ago. Our day started off really well - some friends we hadn't seen for over a year were down to have breakfast with us. We told them our great news because we wanted to tell them in person - see their reaction and enjoy how normal couples react when they tell each other they are pregnant. It seems that they may be the last people that we tell that we are pregnant for quite some time.

We were in church. Sarah had to go to the toilet - not unusual since we'd been out for breakfast and I don't recall her going prior. I was having a great time singing along. Then Sarah came back and told me that she wanted me to come with her. That couldn't be good news. And it wasn't. We've contacted our clinic and they told us that Sarah needs to rest and put her feet up, and tomorrow when the clinic is open again they will talk to us and get Sarah to have some blood tests, and arrange for everything else that needs to happen.

We are both devistated, but we've been told to continue to take the estrogen and progesterone. I know there is a small chance that it is not a miscarriage, but Sarah has had significant bleeding, not simply spotting. It doesn't look good. But referring to my post a little less than two weeks ago - only God can keep our embryo safe - but if he doesn't then I have to trust him that he knows best.

Only yesterday we went up town to look at cots, bassinets, push chairs, and all those other baby things - and even a camcorder - to capture all those special moments...

We both cry completely randomly. But just now I feel the pain, but there is a significant feeling of numbness. I think that completely without really thinking about it I may have compartmentalised myself as a form of protection from this pain. When it was obvious what the situation meant it was like my world stopped spinning. The momentum that we'd built up in believing this pregnancy would end cheerfully meant that we found ourselves being thrown against the figurative windshield in our pregnancy vehicle and we hadn't been wearing our seatbelts... Now I look around and can only see the carnage. Everything that felt right and made sense this morning is shattered glass and mangled wreckage. Someone we love and cherish - my son or daughter is possibly dead or dying, and right now I don't quite know what to do with that.

So please pray for us, and for our Emby. There is a chance - however small - that it may be ok in the end, but hope is not something either of us feel when can grasp for at the moment. Please just pray.

Abe

Result #2

2008-11-15T22:44:00.003+13:00

Sarah had her blood test yesterday, and the result is a resounding BFP again! We were expecting the HCG level to be at least 1000, it was actually about 1800! So we're still on the road towards becoming the next ones in our families to have a full blown pregnancy to announce to all and sundry...

I always thought that seeing I was the oldest in my family, that I would be the first to have a baby, and then with Marrying Sarah seeing as she is the oldest, and we got married at least two years before anyone else in our families that again we would be the first. But it didn't work out that way. In real life we take last place. In a way it was kind of humiliating, very depressing, and all round just didn't seem very fair! But I guess IF is the burden that we've been given to bear.

I had always kind of decided in my own head, but finally realised that I actually needed to have this conversation with Sarah, that if we only get one baby out of our first cycle of IVF treatment, then we will not bother with a second cycle. Not because we don't want a second of third child that much, but because we don't want to end up with more embryos than we can reasonably use. Apparently here in NZ embryo donation is not really the done thing, and people don't generally want other peoples spare embryos - I guess ICSI and the like means that there aren't many cases where the guys sperm are just completely unusable, or they suffer from azoospermia. That last bit is all speculation though. I imagine that being told that you have azoospermia would be the most devastating thing you could tell a man who is trying for pregnancy.

Sarah agrees with me though. If this pregnancy goes to term, and everything works fine, then we will try with the remaining 3 embryos later, and even if none of them work, then I think we can be content with only one child. And from what the RE said we still apparently have a 10% chance of getting ourselves pregnant each year. So that definitely wouldn't be the end of it for us. But I'm very pleased that I'm never going to have to use another condom, or make Sarah take more oral contraceptives to ensure our perfect little lives don't get disrupted by the possibility of a pregnancy... To be honest we will jump at the chance to have that interruption in our lives at ANY stage! Just like any of you would!

I haven't blogged yet about how I truly feel about all of this - BFP's and all...

Of course I am over the moon! But it's so much more than that. For so long there has been a continual cloud hanging over my life - there were days I could feel it, and I knew it was there. Other days it was too subtle to pick up - and to an extent I'm sure that I just got used to it and just tried to deal with with it as best I could. But it was slowly sucking the life force out of me - it was something I couldn't change, no matter how desperately I wanted it to change. It kind of felt like we were treading water, and every now and then someone (just for kicks) would hold our heads under for a bit. I think that there have been several significant moments for me in this whole journey. Moments when the fog lifted - even just for a second, and I felt incredible relief that maybe there was an end in sight...

When we decided that IVF was our best shot at getting pregnant.

When we were told that we had five embryos that were viable, and had our first embryo transferred

When we were given our first BFP On Monday, and our second on Friday

Each of those moments are etched in my mind - for many reasons, but one being that each step meant that it actually was possible, that it might actually happen!

To those of you who have had all your favourite possibilities come true, and those who have had recent amazingly positive news - I celebrate with you, and thank God with you for what he has given you...

For those of you still looking, longing and desperately hoping for what is so elusive - I pray that your journey will soon come to a wonderful conclusion where the fulfillment and responsibilities you so eagerly long for will be granted to you by the God who only wants the best for you.

Take care all,

Abe

To be open, or not to be open...

2008-11-13T21:09:00.002+13:00

One of the more frustrating things just recently (since our day 12 blood test) has been the balance between trying to tell people who are important, and trying to maintain some sort of privacy. Sarah and I have come up with some basic guidelines that seem to work

- It's always easier to tell a complete stranger that your pregnant (even at our early stage! Sarah tells me that she had told the florist where she was buying the rose from that she was pregnant before she had told me! Not that I mind, I just think it's funny!)

- That close friends who have walked with you along the way deserve to know, and that they generally respond in ways that make you pleased you told them.

- That family tend to be the most curious, and as a direct result of this, ask a number of inappropriate and personal questions to try and get you to confess to being pregnant or not.

- That previous point causes the most grief between us and the rest of the family, because we want to announce to the whole world we are pregnant and be overjoyed with excitement... but we can't afford to be too eager... as a high school friend of mine once coined the phrase "Hasty boys get lashed".

How many couples know two weeks after conception that their embryo has implanted and have a pregnancy that can only be detected by specific laboratory tests on your blood? The answer - only people who have incredibly regulated cycles, or people going though IF treatment.

The thing we've found best is when someone simply says "We're praying for you, and hope all is going well" - that leaves us with the chance to tell them or not tell them, and it's completely in our court.

We've had quite a public showcase of infertility and IVF, and perhaps been a little naive with how we've approached allowing everyone to know what's going on, but I don't regret having been that up front, it's just that during this time we want to keep some things to ourselves, and it's not that easy when things actually go right for a change!

So anyhow, we're still over the moon, and waiting with baited breath for the results of tomorrow's repeat test to confirm what we were told by Monday's test. If that is a positive result too, then we'll be heading back to our IVF clinic early December for our first ultrasound scan! Woo Hoo! I'm not sure exactly what they want to look for, but I'm guessing that the only thing they would be likely to be able to tell is whether it's a multiple pregnancy or not. If anyone knows feel free to comment.

OK, enough rambling...

Abe

I'm trying to get used to the idea...

2008-11-12T22:43:00.003+13:00

Thank you to you all for your lovely messages of support! Yeah, God is SO GOOD! And yes amazing things are definitely happening! It's mind blowing to imagine that God is litteraly weaving together cell after cell inside Sarah. It is unfathomably complex, yet so ordinarily commonplace that no one really thinks about it... If my calculations are correct (they probably aren't but it's cool anyway)our embryo now consists of approximately 64,000 cells... Whoa! Again, thanks all for your support. If my story has been any use to any of you then that's awesome, but what's more important is that you have been of tremendous help to me. You all have a special place for me :-)

Don't worry S4S, if you rmember Evan Almighty where Evan does his little victory dance, just imagine that. That's how I feel right now! Yeah, dispite the potential for things to not turn out like we hope - we are soaking up the joy. It is such a pleasent place to be in comparison to where we've been for three and a half years.

Our God is an awesome God!

Abe

I can't think of a title...

2008-11-11T20:29:00.004+13:00

What a roller coaster! I'll start from where I left off in my last blog...

It's Saturday night, and we are more convinced than ever that yet again this cycle is going to be a flop at best - disaster at worst. Sarah feels that she is continuing to deflate, and her tummy pain is continuing to be a problem on and off during the day. Like every night, we pray that God will help our embryo to continue to grow and implant.

So Sunday morning rolls around. We go to church and our pastor happens to be talking about the Israelites freedom from bondage and slavery in Egypt, and in particular the point where Moses and the rest are hemmed in by the red sea and Pharaoh's army. He talks about those "only God" moments where the pillar of cloud and pillar of fire protect the Israelites, and then the miraculous happens and the red sea parts for them to cross to the other side. At the end he invites people who are struggling with feeling hemmed in and confused and struggling with life issues to come to the front during the final couple of songs. Sarah went forward, and I knew that we had to - I just typically didn't particularly want to. I'd heard her sniffing right throughout the service but keeping it discrete. Now there was no option of being discrete. So in tears we both sat at the front with various others who had their own issues. We (I) sang through the songs, and we cried through the songs too... The songs were really fitting - The desert song ("This is my prayer in the desert...") and You came to my rescue. There were lines like "I am emptied, ready to be filled again", and the like which really got me going... And at the end of the service (with no where near enough tissues to have gotten that far!) our pastor came and knelt in front of us and just gave us both a big hug. He knows our pain. He knows that tomorrow (Monday) is the day we find out what's really going on. I had to hold on to my sobs of mental and emotional anguish cause the whole congregation was sitting behind us - many of them probably watching us (I suppose it doesn't look that good when an elder gets up the front after an altar call of sorts!) He prayed with us and was of great comfort. He asked us where we were at with everything. For me it's not about not trusting God, or shaking my fist at him and asking why, I know he has things planned down to the day and the hour that our son or daughter is born, it's just that I'm incredibly sad that it's not here and now. He had his wife pass away suddenly about four years ago and so he knows all about grief and the process of dealing with it. He led some seminars a few years ago about his experiences and the lessons he learned. I asked him if he had any planned in the near future - and it seems he is considering doing them again - because there is always new griefs being experienced every day.

After that one of the support team leaders came up to us and said that he felt God leading him to tell us that we would have a prayers answered soon. I kind of took that with a grain of salt and almost dismissed it as someone just trying to be genuinely helpful, but nothing could change the way I feel at the moment. I won't be counting my chickens till the hatch so to speak.

So the rest of Sunday was a very quiet and subdued day. We stayed in and just enjoyed being together. I am more certain than not that this cycle is going to be a failure. I'm mentally preparing myself for the looming prospect of the death of another of our embryos...

On Monday morning Sarah had her blood test anyway. Throughout the morning it is always there in my mind - like a splinter... I went for lunch and did my usual wander around one of the scenic routes through town while listening to Jars of Clay - Much Afraid album. with particular attention to songs like Much Afraid, Frail, Tea and Sympathy and Fade to Grey. During my walk I struggle to keep my composure, text some close friends who know what we're going through and ask them to pray for us, they say they already are, and I begin to think - "hey what if?", but quickly tell myself that I can't afford to think like that - I've done that before and regretted it big time! But it's a pleasant thought. If even for a moment - which is all I allow myself.

So I get back to work hoping for a message to call Sarah or something! But alas no. Then out of the blue one of the shop girls tell me that Sarah is here, and I spot her peeking around the front door of work. Needless to say - my heart skipped about three beats! I dropped everything, and went to meet her. She's holding a single pale yellow rose, and has a card obviously for me. And she's smiling kind of coyly... "Is that a smile on your face??!!", "Yes!". So I open the card and it's got a mummy and a daddy rabbit on the front looking dotingly on as their baby rabbit sleeps". On the inside it says "HI Daddy, Love from Emby & Mummy. We love you! xxx". We hugged... and cried... and shared I love you's!

I have often thought about how it would be to be told that we were pregnant, and I can honestly say that in the moment, everything just happens, there's no amount of planning that you can do to have it all come out the way you want it to...

So we are two weeks into our first pregnancy - at the moment classed as a chemical pregnancy because it can only be chemically detected at present, and we are hoping and praying that it continues to grow and develop healthily.

We went and saw our pastor that evening to tell them the great news, and he and his wife were overjoyed with us.

To all this I can say that "only God" could have got us this far - especially considering the negative feeling we were getting from Sarah's symptoms. So we have a little bit of miracle in our own lives - and everything we have ever hoped and dreamed of has started to come true.

We are by no means out of the woods yet. There is still plenty of opportunity for things to go wrong in the next 9 months, but we are quietly optimistic, and feel like we can afford to be just a little bit jubilant.

As Searching for Serenity just said in her last post - I will always be an infertile - this struggle is something we will no doubt have to go through again to have any subsequent children, but that is fine. Infertility is not something you just get over by having one positive HCG test - there is a long road ahead. I pray that all of you who read this and have suffered like we have will come to this point in your journey and have everything change for you in an instant, like it has done for us. The scars of the last three and a half years of journeying will be with us for a long time, but no matter how this "chemical pregnancy" turns out, we know God is working out his plan for us.

Only God could have got us from where we were to where we are. Only God. Thank you - You know how much it means, you've seen every tear drop, heard every prayer, and by your grace given us more than we deserve. Thank you God.

Abe

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

2008-11-08T18:57:00.002+13:00

Our day 12 pregnancy test is due on Monday. Waiting and wanting! I've discovered though that trying to convey an even remotely positive view on things may have caused Sarah to feel like I didn't understand how she was feeling, and that I may be taking things too lightly. I think I've managed to reassure her that is not the case! But Sarah tells me that she is experiencing abdominal pains akin to period pain, and that it has been happening for three or four days now. Apparently this is precisely what happened last time - and we all know what the end result was from that. On top of that Sarah's getting that deflating feeling - you girls know what I mean.

So neither of us are feeling particularly positive at the moment - in fact we're both expecting period bleeding any time now - sometimes it's just easier to be pessimistic and expect the worst. I really wonder if there have been any studies out there to see if psychotically optimistic people get pregnant more frequently than entirely balanced, normal and rational people who have the occasional twinge of pessimism when all the evidence points to a failed cycle. Does it really make a difference? Optimism takes so much extra energy at times like this - not to mention the fact that it is dangerous to be unwaveringly optimistic if a result in the negative is so emotionally charged.

Anyhow we are off to an election party at a friends place - yes we too in NZ have had our election today for our prime minister. We're hoping for a change. But I digress ....

Abe

Where is God when it hurts?

2008-11-01T13:38:00.002+13:00

Hi all!

I just started reading the book with this title from Phillip Yancy. Only read the first chapter, but it's already starting to resonate with me. Don't get me wrong - neither me nor anyone else I know is currently dying of cancer or anything equally traumatic, but this infertility thing is sure taking it's toll. In the first chapter Phillip talks of a friend of his that had been diagnosic with Hodgkin's Lymphoma and was undergoing treatment in the forms of chemo and radiation, and he talks of some of the christian friends of hers that visited all with differing ways of trying to help her through her time of suffering. Some were like "wow what did you do wrong to cause God to smite you like this??!" (don't worry, I'm paraphrasing - any friend that said that should be struck off the list!), or "Don't worry - God's got an awesome plan in all this and if you praise him through it and trust him he will reveal his purpose anad all will be well", or "Just believe and have faith and you will be healed!". As you can imagine none of these responses was really what she needed to hear, or very helpfull.

Yes she was eventually cancer free, but how should we be supporting our friends/family that go through similar things - or I guess in our situations - how should our friends/family be supporting us through infertility and it's related issues?

As I said - I've only read the first chapter so I'm not expert (YET). But it strikes me that maybe the answer resides in solidarity and just listening to people when they are struggling like we are. Of course I'm a guy, and every guy has a pathological need to fix things. Often these outbursts of helpfulness are completely inappropriate and as I said - pathological. Maybe the best thing we can do for each other is just be there - and I think that's why this whole blogging thing has been really helpful for me - cause I know you guys are out there reading my musings and posting messages of encouragement when you feel led to.

I think that my family particularly feel a little left out and maybe even shut out of what we are going through. I mean parents in particular - because we tell them very little of what is truly going on. None of my family will ever read the words written here for a number of reasons, but mostly because we know that they will want to help too much, they will want to smother us with affection, understanding, and share the grief. The truth is that you have to let someone into that circle of trust, they can't burst onto the scene and exepect that you will appreciate their words of wisdom and advice. Maybe there is some latent rebelliousness that didn't get expressed in my teens or something. It's just that every time they have come to us with a view to help us through this process it's sounded very much like one of the previously mentioned friends who had all the answers, but none of the tact.

I initially promised myself that this blog would focus more on the musings and issues that we faced rather than the physcial journey of where we are at blow by blow, but I'm realising that it's too difficult to seperate the two.

Sarah has just finished her two days of imposed bed rest after the transfer, and after being thoroughly bored to tears, she discovered that she could have been reading "Where is God when it hurts?", so was a little annoyed that she'd spent so much time doing nothing!

Thank you guys for wishing me a good nights sleep - I think I've really had no option but to sleep well cause I've been too tired. But this morning was blissful - the Saturday morning sleep in was great! Although the only reason that I woke up was because Sarah woke me because she could tell I was having a nightmare (I'm sure I would have slept right through it to it's conclusion if she'd not woken me!), and the second time I was woken from deep blissful slumber was from a phone call from work. And after that I couldn't get back to sleep. Oh well.

So we are due for our 2ww blood test on the 10th of November...

Abe

I'm stuffed!

2008-10-29T20:21:00.002+13:00

OK, we're back from driving 250km to and from the clinic today, having our second embryo transferred, avoiding vehicle accidents, after only having 5 hours sleep because of the work I had to do till 2:30am to ensure there was less pressure on the rest of the guys remaining at work today... did I say I was stuffed??!!

As you know frozen embryo's can experience damage either as a result of the freezing or thawing process. We had decided that if greater than 25% of the cells we damaged then we would have a second embryo thawed and have them both transferred. As it happened our second embryo was undamaged by the process, and I'm told that the chances of it working is just as good as if it were a fresh embryo that had been transferred - so that's great! Now we just have to deal with the whole balancing act between hope and pessimism and hope not to go insane in the meantime!

Bed beckons ever so seductively - and I can no longer resist!

Abe

On track...

2008-10-24T23:46:00.003+13:00

Hi!

We are on track for having our second transfer - this time with frozen embryos. with this opportunity came more decisions and consent forms... We've decided to have 1 embryo thawed. If greater than 25% of the cells are damaged then we will have a second embryo thawed and have both transferred. If no cells survive the thawing process, then we'll have another embryo thawed, and so on until we have an embryo with at least some cells surviving.

I know that there are potential lives in the balance with these decisions, but in some way I kind of feel rather numb to it all - maybe it's just that I've resigned myself to the fact that in this whole process as well as in each individual step that makes up the process - there is very little that I can do either way - to make our chances better, or worse. And in some ways (perhaps a warped and twisted point of view) it's reassuring because it means that God is more in control than I am. I find it's the things that I have the most control over that I screw up the most in life. It's always the things that I have to make decisions about that keep me up at night. If I have no control, then it makes sense in my head that God is potentially more at work - behind the scenes.

So we are another step closer to being, yet again, on the edge of our seats with a 2ww, and all the really dangerous hope trying every so hard to bubble up to the surface. It is easier to be numb - but less real. You know what I mean...

So - so far, so good.

Abe

Blessed be Your Name

2008-10-20T20:26:00.002+13:00

It struck me just now that I really should have Matt Redman's song "Blessed be your name" on my blog of meaningful songs... If you don't know the song - you are in for a treat! If you do, then you know why it is here...

Again it stems from my reflections on the suffering of Job, and his response to that suffering. I can imagine that if this song was around back then that he would be singing it at the top of his lungs! So often I find it difficult to hold back tears when singing this in Church because it's too pertinent, too close to how I feel. Now I'm the one in danger of being all soppy!

When Sarah and I were in the town of our fertility clinic 250km away from home to have our first cycle of IVF, I had plenty of time to write a wee journal of thoughts about what was going on. I was just rereading it, and decided that I would elaborate on a point I made there. I made the statement that anguish is not a measure of unfaithfulness or doubt in God. He knows that our hopes and dreams correlate to emotions. And I'm a firm believer that he has planted this particular hope and dream deep within me, so it's only natural that I would experience deep sadness over all that has happened in the last three and a half years.

I realise now that we've been trying to conceive for about half of our marriage. Boy I wish we'd started sooner. Maybe we'd be closer or even have a child by now. We could have started sooner, but I think we wanted to get ourselves into a position where we felt confident we could support ourselves, and I think we felt that we deserved to have time to ourselves, you know, to enjoy having time just to ourselves... how things have changed. What we wouldn't give. I saw this youtube video a while ago... it says it all...

Another song well worth adding to the "Songs with Meaning". There's nothing I wouldn't give...

A friend and I had a conversation over lunch last week in which we wondered out loud to each other about the possibility of putting adverts in our local paper simply promoting adoption as an option for people considering abortion. It's apparently against the law to advertise in any way to encourage women to give up their children for adoption etc. The reason it came up was because in our district in NZ, something like 3 adoptions occurred in a period of several years (I don't know the exact figures, but it's single figures anyway). Do you know how many abortions there were in NZ last year? The figure disgusts me. over 18,000. If even 1% of those pregnancies had been carried to full term, and adopted out, then not only would 180 lives have been saved, but 180 families would have been blessed with one of the greatest blessings imaginable. It breaks my heart...

Abe

I'll do my crying in the rain...

2008-10-20T14:29:00.004+13:00

I found this song and posted it to my "songs with meaning".

I had a meltdown of sorts today. Took the day off. It wouldn't pay to go to work in tears and convulsing uncontrollably would it?

Sometimes life can just get too much. It's happened once before a couple of years ago, had to take the day off then too. I don't have to explain to all of you how something like this comes to happen - you know how it happens. Don't worry, I'm not losing my mind or going crazy or anything, just profoundly sad. I know we are about to start another attempt, but that just means we are again on the cusp of either profound joy or more profound sadness. Simply telling myself not to think about it doesn't do any good.

I watched a number of youtube clips this afternoon with an infertility bent to them. The one that got me was this one

My reaction will be similar in some ways, but I will not be able to stop crying. This is something I've waited my whole life for! I'm not going to be able to contain the emotion of that moment. I also watched various videos of parents being told that they were going to become grandparents. Most people chose to do it by wrapping some item of baby clothing, and it struck me as kind of odd, but I get it. Of course the Grand mother to be bursts into tears like she's just been told sh'es got cancer, and the Grand father sits there with a smug smile - I'm sure he's reacted more jubilantly during his favourite sports game! Both reactions kind of grated on me - perhaps it's just that our journey has been kind of private from our parents because their reactions are difficult for us to deal with. I know my Mum is going to burst into tears (my Dad might too), but it's just that this has been our journey, and though they went through some hardship trying to have me and my brother, I've always felt like they feel that they have all the answers - if only we'd listen! I still remember the time that Mum tried to tell us that all we needed to do was practice the natural family planning method in reverse - this when we are two years into our journey, and seeing an IVF specialist who has told us we have specific issues that need to be dealt with.

Anyway - today is a day to mourn properly. My problem up until now has been that I've not had a decent chance to do it. "How do you grieve for something you never had?" I have asked myself. My answer at the moment is - just the same as any other type of grief - you cry, your mourn, you shut yourself away and let it out. That's what I've done today. And I don't regret it one little bit.

I know God is with me. I'm just trying to allow myself to be broken the way God wants me to be broken. This isn't self pity - this is me trying to let the grieving process happen.

Take care,
Abe

IVF cycle 1 round 2

2008-10-18T15:28:00.003+13:00

This Thursday we have to travel 2 and a half hours to our fertility clinic for an ultrasound scan of Sarah's uterus. Sarah is currently on Estrogen Valerate 2mg three times daily to encourage her uterus lining to thicken for embryo transfer sometime the week after. I think both Sarah and I are quite relieved that we don't have to undergo egg collection again unless these four remaining embryo's don't make it. We were lucky enough to have five healthy looking embryo's after Sarah's first collection about three months ago. Sarah is quite glad she doesn't have to go through the injections this cycle. After having done them for a month and a half it's not that injecting herself is scary, but it's inconvenient - and occasionally hurts

As I understand it, in countries like America IVF is not funded, but couples have to pay through the nose for the privilege at being able to have a decent shot at getting pregnant. Here in New Zealand it is funded by the health system so long as the woman is under 40 (I think). We get two cycles (cycle ends once all the frozen embryos are used) of funded treatment. Funding stops if a baby results at any time. Still - if we did live in America I'm sure we would pay for exactly what we're getting now for free.

I'm actually secretly quite happy that I'm having a day off next Thursday. I enjoy the time that Sarah and I get to have together - with nothing to focus on but the future of our family - they are very special times.

I find myself having to bite my tongue when talking to friends and family about our journey, because the thought crosses my mind "you should really read my blog - I communicate things so much better there", but then think - no, I must keep it anonymous! I almost wonder if it's worth having a sanitised version for family to read - but I don't think it would be worth it because I wouldn't feel free to vent my spleen on as many and varied a topic as I've become accustomed.

Sarah had a colonoscopy on Thursday this week as she's had unexplained abdominal pain, frequent diarrhoea/constipation. Sarah had an laperoscopy to remove endometriosis just over a year ago, and there was no lesions noted on the bowel then. We have to wait for the specialist to write to our GP, who will then contact us about the results. Man - as if there wasn't enough going on!

Anyhow, I'll have an update ready to post sometime on Thursday or Friday to fill you in on how Sarah's uterus is. Oh, and it'll be my birthday too on Thursday - the scan is at 9am, so why not make the most of the rest of the day aye?!

Take care everyone,

Abe

Parent's and In-laws

2008-10-12T17:39:00.002+13:00

I know many of you can guess the direction of this post simply from the title...

Perhaps it's simply best to say that sometimes family can't understand. Sure they love us, and want to support us in any way that they can, but there are times especially in infertility when the concern and grief of relatives is the last thing someone suffering with IF wants. I haven't quite figured out what about IF makes us want to be separate, to hide in the shadows...

Sarah's Dad, just today, said that he and his wife had planned to come over today to share in the grief process with having had our first attempt at IVF fail. They wanted to recognise the fact that for us a life had died, and that it didn't matter that the embryo was never born, it was still a life. I don't disagree with anything he's just said, and quite frankly no one has ever come to us and said that they understood that that's how we perceived it - so it's great that he understands that, but to be honest that thought does not fill me with a great sense of fulfillment or give me warm fuzzies...

We are about to give it a second go, I'm not saying that we are over the first failure, but it doesn't help us right now to re-live all that emotion and grief. I understand that they will most likely be grieving too at the loss of a potential grandchild - but there is a large part of me that says get off our grief bandwagon - there's only room for two here!

looking at things pragmatically, if we had managed to reach the same stage (and perhaps we have many times!) in pregnancy then no one would know - not even us. The only difference is that we know what stage the embryo was at. To be honest that is a very personal grief. Something we took almost a month to tell our families because at the time I couldn't imagine telling either set of family without dissolving in to a blubbering mess on the floor. But the time came, and we both held it together - both times... But it's amazing. at every stage when we've wanted to keep things to ourselves but really felt like we ought to tell our parents there have only been a couple of times when they have surprised us and behaved the way we hoped they would. Almost every time - the reason we've held off telling them about a stage in the path has been their exact response. Awkward silence, followed by even more awkward words. Having conversations about the ethics of IVF from those who have always made it perfectly clear which side of the fence they stand on.

I have been thinking though... what would have been the perfect response? How would we have wanted them to respond when we've told them stuff...

I don't know. I think that there are perhaps some issues that parents are just supposed to stay out of. I know they mean well, and want the best for us, and of course want Grandchildren! But when it comes to your own children - no one has responsibility for them but you as the parent. Sure grandparents are important and have an awesome role to play, but we aren't there yet.

We are going to be the last ones in both sides of our families to have children. Obviously our parents desperately want grandchildren. Heck it seems that my parents have adopted Sarah's sister's kids as their own grandchildren just cause they are geographically closer to them then Sarah's parents. Actually this probably deserves special mention because it's something that I've brooded over for well over 3 years now... At the oldest grandchild's dedication I noticed on the card from my parents to Sarah's sister and her husband that my parents were calling themselves honorary grandparents! I couldn't believe my eyes! I've never made a big thing of it because obviously they don't realise the implications at our end at discovering something like that! but HELLO???!!! I guess if you are desperate enough you'll get what you want by any means necessary. Perhaps I really don't mean that... But come on... how are we supposed to take that?!

Don't get me wrong, I love my Parents and In-laws, but I guess when it comes down to it we are all guilty of the same thing (yes, even me). We very rarely see anything from anyone else's perspective, and always think that when something goes wrong it's someone else's perspective that needs to change. It's for this reason that I still love my parents and in-laws, and everyone else in the world - because I like to think that deep down there is good in us all (or at least the capacity for it), and that just because I took offense at what someone says or does, it doesn't mean that they intended it to be that way.

Enough ranting for today??? Yeah, probably :-)

Abe

Everyone is pregnant!!!

2008-10-07T22:19:00.002+13:00

I want to start out by saying that I don't begrudge any couple their pregnancy. I still think it is one of the worlds MOST amazing things that life can be formed within a woman and grow to become a baby which has it's whole life ahead of it - so don't get me wrong about this post...

But is there anyone out there who's still go the old fashioned inability to conceive anymore??? I mean apart from all the lovely people who are currently reading this blog of course... you guys are great! But it seems every couple I know -who at least wants to conceive - has managed to do so within the last couple of months.

My wife and I were the first couple in our circle of friends to get married. We sure as anything feel like the last to still be childless. Both Sarah and I are the oldest in our families... all her siblings have had their first and are probably considering more, and my brother and his wife announced about 6 weeks ago that they are pregnant - I think there was a point last week when in 3 days we'd had 3 couples tell us that they were pregnant.

I must say though that people are generally doing a very good job of announcing their impending bundle of joy in a sensitive way. But a lot of the time when we get annoyed or feel that deep twist of a knife between the shoulder blade and the spine, it's generally because we are just over sensitive.

I realise that this whole thing is about give and take, and being aware of the fact that people don't really mean things to come accross the way they do if it irritates me. Perhaps there are people out there that just love rubbing our faces in it - but I tend to think the best of people unless they give me really good reason to suspect they are actually evil, nasty people.

I guess the point of this blog is just to get it off my chest a little... And to say to God - I realise I'm a nobody, that I'm insignificant, that I'm nothing until you make me something. I want to be a father - But I'm nothing until you make me something.

People might try to argue to that with IVF we are trying to circumvent what's natural - or even what God intended. No one's been brave enough to say that to my face, but even if they were thinking it - I put it to you like this... God can still prevent us from having our own biological child if he wants. I can't stop that. As we saw last cycle. What I'm trying to circumvent is the curse of infertility - which I don't think is God's doing.

Take care all,

Abe

Songs with meaning...

2008-10-03T23:28:00.002+13:00

I plan to add to my collections of songs on the right hand side. There's probably plenty of songs that deserve to be there, but I'm taking my time picking them. Each one of them has significance for me.

Broken - This could quite adequately describe my current feelings. Like many lifehouse songs it has that haunting sound. It asks questions, it raises doubts, and it very eloquently portrays loss and grief, but it comes back to the sure and certain faith that God is there for me, to hold me when I need him, and to heal me when I break. So I'm holding on too.

Frail - This Jars song is a classic, but has just a certain something about it - I haven't decided what to call it yet, but again its very real, it doesn't pull any punches and deals with feelings of weakness, but somehow (in my mind at least) makes me realise just how hard it is to be truly frail - truly not scared of being broken by life - because in the moment that we feel weakest, in the moment that we are truly frail and ready to give in - it is then that God can lift me beyond my own ability to help myself. It does say in the bible that when we are weakest is when God is at his strongest through us. It is at the point of true submission when we know we can't help ourselves, that God reaches down to pick us up.

Worlds Apart - again a great Jars song. I like this version because it gives emphasis to the fact that Jesus has done it all on the cross for us and truly praises him for it. I appologise that it's 10 minutes long but it is worth it. Once again - it deals with the struggle between living the life we know we should live verses the life we actually live. I'm not likely to ever be perfect in this life, but I'm just grateful that dispite my worst screw ups in life, God is willing to take that world apart from me.

I don't think I know of any songs specifically dealing with infertility - I've love to hear them if you know of any - please let me know! I'm a sucker for songs with deep meanings!

I'm feeling a little more positive these last few days, but I fear that with all the stress the work is piling on I may have to do something about that.

I may have wondered off topic a little with this post, but the songs still have a big influence on how I deal with the here and now with infertility.

Sarah and I wait with baited breath for her next period so she can start her next round of pessaries and tablets to make sure that the uterus is all ready and prepared for the next transfer in a couple of weeks time - you guys know the drill - there's still that monthly tiny glimmer of hope to contend with (you know - while we're being entirely honest and everything ;-))

Abe

Good Grief... Bad Grief...

2008-09-27T10:53:00.002+12:00

Hi all,

Guys are typically more stoic than their female counterparts. We all know this. We expect it sometimes... but there are other times when grief bursts forth like a raging torrent - consuming all in it's path. Maybe that's a bit dramatic, but in many ways it can adequately sum up how it feels when it happens.

I guess there have been a couple of things to deal with in this Oddyssey of mine when it comes to grief... How do I do it? Why is it that there are times when I seem to need to grieve but it feels so inappropriate?

I've recently been musing to myself, and a few close friends, about this and phrased it like this..."How do you grieve for something that has never been?". We all instinctively know how to grieve for a loved one that dies for instance, but I would argue that this is no different. Granted I have never known the children that we've never had, but the emptiness remains... If someone dies then we hold a funeral, and the grieving process is expected and encouraged, but this grief goes unnoticed by many - those that know can appreciate that there are times when those of us struggling for infertility just want times to ourselves, but I've found that it's only really those who have been there who are truly able to identify with this hidden grief.

I recently had one of my staff at work approach me because the father of one of her friends had died, and she wanted to travel out of town to be there for her friend at the funeral. I had no problem with allowing this, but it got me thinking - since our first failed IVF treatment I haven't taken a day off specifically for the purpose of dealing with that grief. Should I have? I don't know.

Sure guys deal with grief differently - in some ways I don't think we deal with grief very well at all. For some of us it's simply a matter of survival - it is by no means because we don't care! I hope that I have been supportive enough of Sarah during this process - but there are times when the grief inside is like that raging torrent I mentioned earlier. As guys we need to find a safe outlet for that, because there are many way in which we could unleash it which would be disastrous.

Personally there are times when all I want to do is sit back and cry. Sob my expressions of grief and longing to God. Because only he can TRULY understand what I'm personally going through. There are other times when to be honest I think I'm just down right clinically depressed. But God has been faithful and I know that during the roughest storm of grief God has always been the light of steadfastness which has seen me through. Some may consider that a crutch - to be honest with you, that's fine with me. I need to make it through this and I think he's the only way I am going to make it. We all have to have a foundational statement on which to base all of our other beliefs - for some it's scientific method, for others it's God. Personally I think when testing the theories and theologies of the supernatural - scientific method comes gravely short of being able to qualify or quantify that realm.

How do I deal with grief? I think I internalise a lot of it. I think a lot. A lot of what goes on in my head is much more emotional than can be put into words or expressed in the usual sense. But I think that this blog and other journaling I've done has been useful as an outlet for that raging sea - so that it's less likely to spew forth and consume anything and everything in it's way.

Of course I'd be interested in reading how any other guys have/are/plan to deal with this type of grief process. And I also think it's useful to have female input on this to because you gals have got this thing so much more sorted out than any of us guys so don't be shy to comment or point out other blogs were this is dealt with.

Thanks,

Abe

Where are we at now...

2008-09-25T13:13:00.003+12:00

Hi again - just making a wee post in my lunch break - if I'm going to be honest with you, I'm home because I knew that the hard drive I ordered on line would be arriving today - and since I'd all connected and formatting now - I figure I should make another contribution to the ramblings...

I have decided that this will most likely be very therapeutic. It's great that I can talk about these things completely annoymously to a group of people who are at the very least interested in the topic I'm talking about, and most likely have had som infertility issues at some point if not currently. Don't get me wrong, I find talking to my wife is great - and it's necessary to keep each other going, but this is kinda different - this is a previously untapped resource of people who know what it's like and understand.

So currently Sarah and I are waiting for Sarah's next cycle to begin so that she can then start on Estradiol Valerate three times a day, and also uterogestan pessaries also three times a day. After having been through the follicle collection phase previously, I don't think Sarah's anywhere near as concerned about the effects of these medications - this time it seems like a walk in the park by comparrison!

For me - the last couple of months have been quite hard. In a number of ways really. Firstly of course there is the fact that we've lost a potential life - our best chance at beating this infertility thing so far didn't work. I know in my head that this doesn't really mean very much, because it was never a "sure thing" - but it still gets me every time. Secondly there's the way that infertility has affected both my life and Sarah's. I have found that stress has become a fact of daily life for me - work isn't helping things.

Speaking of which - lunchtime is coming to a close...

A Brief History of Time

2008-09-23T14:39:00.003+12:00

Ok, it might not be so brief, but hopefully it will give you the picture your looking for :-)

For as long as I can recall, I have had only really two goals in life...

Get Married (WooHoo! got that one sorted!), and then have children... (umm, yeah - still working on the recipe for that one...). So anyhow back in December 2001 Sarah and I got married. We decided that it would be prudent for us to wait a few years before we seriously started thinking about kids. So Sarah went onto the combined oral contraceptive and was on that for a total of probably three and a half years. During that time one of Sarah's Sisters became pregnant with her first child. That was fine, but it sort of gave us the impression that when a couple decided that they wanted to get pregnant then they stop taking their OC's and low and behold within a couple of months women get pregnant. By this time many of our married friends were starting to have their first pregnancies - and in time we decided it was our turn.

We might as well have kept taking the OC's because from that time until now we haven't even had a flicker of hope from month to month. There was the occasionally ridiculously late period, but otherwise no missed periods, no positive pregnancy tests, no real glimmers of hope. Now as you may have realised we are Christians, and I think that there is a perspective out there that good Christians get everything they want from God, and that life should always go from strength to strength with blessing after blessing showering down from heaven as God lavishes his love upon us... I can frankly say that has not been our experience.

The person who tells you that being a Christian makes all your problems go away, and makes life so much better, is probably missing something fundamental in their walk with God. God never promises that life will be a bed of roses, but what he does promise is that he will work through us and in us using his whole tool box - which will occasionally include pain and suffering to produce character and all those other things that he says are important for us to learn.

Sarah has had to have surgery for endometriosis, and I've had numerous tests. Apparently with Sarah having had the surgery it essentially puts her fertility back into the normal range, however my issue is with a low sperm count, and morphological issues. Our specialist puts our chances at bout 10% per year, and so after 10 years he said we may get 1 or 2 naturally born babies. But that IVF provided some real benefits for us in increasing our chances.

According to the statistics I've seen, each cycle has about a 50% chance of producing a live birth at the end - that includes the first "fresh" embryo that is implanted directly after fertilization, and also the subsequent embryos that are chryogenically frozen for later use.

About 6 weeks ago we were right in the middle of our first experience of IVF...

It was exciting, scary, unbelievable... That was a very special time - we really felt that for the first time we were being given a real shot at potentially getting pregnant! Where our chances previously were negligible, they were now real! I distinctly remember the day after fertilization when Sarah answered the phone and it was the fertility clinic calling to tell us how many embryos we had. Bear in mind that up until this point we had no evidence that conception had taken place - for us this was a HUGE milestone! When Sarah got off the phone - I figured out from her end of the conversation that it had worked. I asked her how many - she said "FIVE!", I couldn't believe it! I'd mentally prepared myself for perhaps 2 or 3... we spent the next hour at least in tears of relief, and Joy all because the miracle of life had started on it's journey - and as far as we were concerned, this was the first real evidence that we would ever have kids!

Apparently it was a good looking embryo that was selected to be implanted, and the implantation process went just how it's supposed to in the textbooks - so those were not the issue... But 12 days later we had the blood test that gives the first indication of pregnancy. Initially Sarah and I were quietly confident that this was our time, and that God would give us the easy road just this once - that he was smiling on us... But towards the end of the time leading up to the blood test, Sarah was feeling that things weren't right. I figured that she couldn't possibly know what it's supposed to feel like and reasonably quickly dismissed her apprehension. But she was right. The blood test was negative - and so we were back with both feet firmly planted in the ground. It's times like that that I feel that reality sucks. We found ourselves in a state of confused disbelief - and apparently even the people at the clinic were surprised that it didn't work. Somehow that wasn't quite the comfort I'm sure they intended it to be.

Our belief is that there is a point at which the soul is imparted to the embryo - sometime between conception (sperm+egg=embryo), and when the brain is fully developed. I've always erred on the side of earlier rather than later. I've never felt comfortable with abortion at any stage, and that includes the emergency contraceptive (I'm a pharmacist you see - so this is quite topical). I think it is the ultimate arrogance to state that it doesn't matter because it's still in the womb. Who are we to say that a life hasn't been lost in our situation? But I know that we may very well have had this happen to us a number of times before now - but have just never known that conception had occurred. I know that if God had intended that embryo to become a live birth - then he was the only one who could do anything about it - it was entirely up to him - and it still is.

So here me find ourselves - waiting for Sarah to complete her current cycle so that she can take the drugs which will manufacture the conditions necessary for her womb to be as receptive as possible at the correct time - so we can thaw some embryos and try again...

I've said it to some of my friends - I feel a bit like Job... in the last few chapters he gets a little indignant and asks God to justify all the suffering that he has had to experience... God has a different approach to getting Job to realise his place in the world. He asks Job several chapters worth of rhetorical questions like "Where were you when I created the heavens and the earth", and "Can you control the wild beasts of the earth"... basically God's saying - when you are equal with me - then I will explain myself to you - in the meantime just remember that being God means that I don't have to explain myself to you. So I'm trying to learn from Job's experience - I don't particularly want any object lessons like he had!

Abe's Oddyssey is very much in God's hands...

What is Abe's Oddyssey?

2008-09-23T12:49:00.001+12:00

HI! My name isn't Abe, but it will do for the purposes of this Blog.

You may ask - "Where'd you come up with a blog name like that, and what is it all about?"

The long and the short of it is that My wife and I have now been trying for the last 3 and a half years to conceive, get pregnant and have children... If someone had told us 7 years ago when we got married that it would be this difficult then we would have started seriously thinking about becoming parents A LOT sooner!

This is going to be a journal of thoughts, dreams, hopes and prayers that one day - like Abraham in Genesis - God will grant us the greatest desires of our hearts. Hence Abe's Oddyssey.

Here's some info about me...

I am currently 28 (29 in October), I am a Christian, My wife (who I will call Sarah for obvious reasons!) is 27 and also a Christian. Obviously there is much to tell from our past three and a half years. Over time I've come across blogs from a number of people who have undergone IVF, and other fertility treatments, and it always seemed that they had such valid stories to tell. Mine seemed kind of boring, and I'm not sure I had the words or motivation to put it into this kind of format. After recently undergoing our first attempt at IVF the floodgates were opened (in more than one sense), and I began to record a little of the thoughts, emotions and struggles that I was experiencing. It was a tremendous release!

Thinking back to some of the posts that I've read from other bloggers, their ramblings always came across as valid, and it had nothing to do with how exciting they were. Their validity and usefulness, for me, came from the fact that they were recording a similar experience, and I felt that I had shared somewhat of their experience. So I hope that someone out there feels similarly at some point. And if I ramble then that's ok - it's likely that it simply helped me more than anyone else. :-)

I want this blogging journey to record the very real struggles of a Christian man that one day has the dreams of his heart realised (no - sorry, I'm not American ;-)). Abraham was a firm believer in the God that created him. He had been promised that he would be the father of many nations. It is easy for us to look back and with hindsight forget that there were probably decades of time that passed from the first promise from God through to the realising of that dream for Abraham. I think I can appreciate a little of what he went through thousands of years ago...