Last transfer complete

Our last transfer is done. It's hard to day how we feel. Numb is possibly the best word. I'm not sure if I can say why. All I know is that it is really hard to get excited. After 3 failures it's become the expected outcome and perhaps the safest one to expect. But I keep reminding myself that God doesn't play the odds. He knows the outcome, heck he's planned it! So there is a glimmer of hope. A seed.

Sarah said this morning that she felt sick. Nausea. Now the mind games begin! I had this thought that actually having a boy would be very fitting. My brother who is younger than me started his family about six months before us and that was very demoralising. I always expected to have the oldest grandchild. A boy would be the only boy in our family and that I could be happy with. But if we have a girl that will be just spectacular too!

Stop getting so carried away! The chicken has got to hatch yet!

Abe

The last act...

We have embarked on beginning our last phase in fertility treatment. We have 1 final embryo. It seems like an eternity ago that we began the treatments that started out IVF journey. We have been blessed. If this embryo fails to implant then we will have such mixed emotions.

To some degree we will be relieved that the journey has finished regardless of the outcome. The pressure of not knowing what will happen to the life we have created and suspended has always been there, even if we aren't always cognisant of it.

As to the process between here and knowing, well of course there is the hormone treatments which we are thankful not to have to inject this time, but the swings will still occur, which I can write off as part of the experience, but Sarah still has to endure them.

And then there is the result. Agony or Ecstasy. Elation or deflation. Child or no child. That roller coaster will take us to our destination one last time.

So here's to the future. Its as clear as mud

Abe

Male factor infertility

I have been away from the blogosphere for a REALLY long time... Not for any particular reason, but I came back on a whim to see what as going on, and it seems that despite my years of neglect there are roughly a dozen people viewing a page from Stirrup Queens. So that means that there are a dozen or so peopl out there loking for perspective on the issue of male infertility... so I guessI better start perspectivating!

Since Abbigail was born, we are still infertile. Not even a hint of pregnancy. We have had 2 further attempts at using frozen embryos. We have one left. we have taken a long time to get through them because life has been harder thanwe expected since Abbigail was born. Some of that you know if you've been contributing to my page views ;-) other stuff has been happening too. Sarah has really struggled with painful medical conditions over the last several years, some of them gynacological, so the thought of adding a pregnncy to the mix has not given either of us much enthusiasm for the idea of getting pregnant. Thhose issues aren't going anywhere, but our youthfulness is! So with our one last remaining embryo we will step out into the realm of possibiity once more. If we are uccessful then our hearts will soar! If not then we will call it a day, wave the white flag and sorrowfully accept that one is enough.

You know, six or so years ago, when I started this I decided that this blog was for me, for any children e subsequently managed to have, and of course anyone who found themselves where I am. If you come across this post and you are one of those people searching for a perspective on male infertlitity then let me know by commenting and or following. It will be encouragement for me to keep sharing.

Frustrations are some of the hardest things for us guys to deal with. Not understandng why has nothing to do with low sperm count, bad morphology or some other male factor issue. It has everything to do with why me? Why can't it be fixed? Surely there is something I can do! Frustration at one thing comes out in everything. Guys don't compartmentalise this very well...Well, at least I didn't. Stresses from multiple avenues cause everything to be harder. So ladies, if we are snappier than usual, or have short fuses then I appologise on behalf of your man. He doesn't mean it, and has no intention of hurting you with arsh words. If he stamps out of the room in a way that  hurts you then give him space. He is likely leaving the room because he needs to not say something that will hurt you. Guys, if you do storm out of the room you need to know that your lady needs to know you will be back, that you still love her, and that you need this space. One thing i have learnt is that  woman needs to know CONSTANTLY that you ONLY have eyes for her, that your "I do" doesn't automatically register as "sold". Women who are constantly told of the undying love of their  husband are infinately more capable of coping with other stressful issues - such as infertility. So Men... LOVE YOUR WIVES - AND TELL THEM SO LIBERALLY! You won't regret it!

Advent Conspiracy

To conspire against consumerism... That would take guts! Do you have what it takes to firstly not give into the pressure to buy the coolest, newest and most exciting gifts for friends and loved ones... Secondly, would you take up the challenge to not spend that money on people that don need it (including yourself!). Watch this video, and consider its message seriously... Remember, if you have a roof over your head, own a computer and have food in the fridge, you are within the wealthiest 10% of the worlds population. Sponsor a child, donate to one of the charitable organisations dealing with the famine in the Horn of Africa, fight against slavery... Our money goes such a long way in the  rest of the world - make a difference, even for just 1 person - for them it makes a huge difference...
Advent Conspiracy from International Justice Mission on Vimeo.

HI all,

And now for something completely not infertility related...

I came across an issue that I thought was completely relegated to the history books, something I never thought was occurring today. Well, let me qualify that, I knew it occurred in some third world countries, mostly due to corruption or poverty, but apparently it is a major industry in much of the developing world, and even in some developed countries... Some countries actually can attribute a good proportion of their GDP to it through tourism and the like... It´s something that reviles me in the very core of my soul. Watch this music video...




I realise that this is almost a taboo topic, but this isn´t the only kind of slavery that is going on in our world, from what I gather, 27 million is a conservative estimate. Children and adults have their lives stolen from them for all sorts of industries from tabacco, to coffee, to Cocoa...

ExodusCry is an organisation dedicated to the cause of eradicating slavery in all of it´s ugly forms. Here is a blog post that is worth reading to get an idea of what goes on out there.

Fighting for Seoul, South Korea, Part 1


and part 2

Fighting for Seoul, South Korea, Part 2

ExodusCry is an amazing organisation that makes known the indescribable atrocities occurring thoughout our world. They also seek to deal with the root causes by organising prayer and fasting. There are deep and dark spiritual forces that are involved in slavery of any kind, but slavery involving the sexual exploitation of children is one of the most vile. I recommend looking into this topic, it may just change your life. So many lives ruined, so much innocence lost, so many deep hurts.

Like the first song says - Our silence is shameful... If we do nothing, and say nothing, then nothing will change.

I intend to make my opinion known, what about you?

Abe

Tragedies

Hi friends,

I have several sets of friends IRL who have undergone particular heartache over their children. Two I'm currently mindful of, one of which is a currently unfolding scenario.

The first set of friends had their beautiful baby boy born about a year and a half ago. He was born in a particular hurry because he'd stopped growing in the womb. He was born at 36 weeks, but was closer to 32 weeks in development and size. Our wee girl had just been into hospital to have her second cast put on the night before when we got the call from our friends to say that their son (who had been born about 5 days earlier) was not expected to make it through the day. We agonised over what we should do, and decided that despite our we girls new cast, and complication of a hernia that was causing her great pain when it popped out, we needed to be there for them. So, after having had a poor nights sleep with our girl in a new cast, we started our 7 and a half hour car journey at about 7pm that night, hoping beyond hopes that God would somehow work things out for our friends, who hadn't even had a chance to spend a full week with their boy. Toby is his name. Toby was incredibly sick, with his kidney failing to do their job. we learned about 3 hours out from our destination that the doctors in despiration tried something they normally wouldn't, and it worked! Essentially sodium bicarbonate was used to reduce the acidity of his blood. And it looked like he would make it! So, we arrived early that morning, and after sleeping like babies, we got to meet him (well, Sarah did, I was sick with a cold, and decided I shouldn't see him). He'd made it, and while they still didn't know quite what the cause of all his problems were, they felt he would stabalise. We celebrated with them and their extended families that had gathered that weekend, there was such a sense of relief!

We travelled home feeling such a sense of frailty of life. Thankful we had been able to be there. Toby struggled and strained for the next few months and ahd some good days, he got to visit the local park, and was transported by plan to starship hospital in Auckland where all the sickest kids go. While they were there they wanted genetic testing done, and the result was told them on new years eve. The condition is called Gracile syndrome. There have only been a handful of cases diagnosed worldwide ever. He slowly deteriorated for another month until he passed away in Febuary last year. He lived for three months. He learned to smile before he died. He was a real fighter, and terribly corageous. His parents have been through the valley of the shadow of death. His parents have been a symbol of courage for us. Toby is no longer in pain, but those he has left behind are.

The second scenario is that of a couple we know less well, but have some significant connection with, and they are 22 weeks pregnant. At their 20 week scan they were told that their child has a problem with his cerebellum, meaning that there will be significant problems. He could have problems ranging from physical or mental problems ranging from relatively high functioning and little problems, through to being highly disruptive, through to being in a vegitative state. So they are at the beginning of what will likely be a very long and hard journey!

And then there is little old us. Emby #3 miscarried (for want of a better description) last weekend. This has happened before, Emby #1 didn't work either, but this Embryo must have progressed further because Sarah was in a great deal of pain on the Sunday, and that night she passed what looked like a big blood clot, but must have been the placenta with sack attached. She hasn't been through labor, but she said that it felt like what labor must feel like. She spent most of the day and night until the embryo passed in a great deal of pain. We had already resigned ourselves to the fact that this embryo was not going to progress, but somehow going through a mini labor and passing something that was recognisable as an embryo makes it somewhat more disturbing and distressing.

Everyones experiences and struggles are very different, somehow we have a huge capacity to cope with what life throws at us. Somehow though we always feel like we are on the knife edge. Sometimes reflecting on other peoples stories of hardship and trial give us strength on our own journey.

Abe

Nope

HI,

Number 3 hasn't been lucky. The Beta HCG did not indicate that pregnancy had occurred. So we are back to waiting. It doesn't seem to matter how many times we do this, it's still a waiting game. And the twinges of agony continue. We have to wait for one regular cycle to occur, then we can try again. Sometimes I think it pays not to think too much about what has just happened. And everyone's ideas about when life begin are different, but for us our embryos are alive. They all have the potential to grow and be born, and grow further ... So we morn another life that is no longer living. Does it get easier? In some ways I hope not. I never want to decide that the ends justify the means, no matter what, and the ethics of what we are doing is complicated at best, but I will never say that having Abbigail was not worth the attempts, because without those failed attempts she could not exist. That is such a scary thought! To think that we could have decided not to pursue IVF, she wouldn't be sleeping soundly in her bed while I type this. Our lives have changed forever with her birth. but I wouldn't go back to the childless lifestyle for ANYTHING!!! Just stroking her hair is one of the most beautiful things I can imagine, and I thank God for being able to do just that!

So with the promise of potential children we continue on the IVF road. We have two further embryos... the statistics tell me that there is a good chance that we will have at least one more success, but statistics are just that, and I believe that statistics are a poor way of trying to predict the future. I know God has it mapped out - we simply have to wait.

So that's our news - no joy, but I guess no pain - no gain.

Abe