Thursday, November 13, 2008

To be open, or not to be open...

One of the more frustrating things just recently (since our day 12 blood test) has been the balance between trying to tell people who are important, and trying to maintain some sort of privacy. Sarah and I have come up with some basic guidelines that seem to work

- It's always easier to tell a complete stranger that your pregnant (even at our early stage! Sarah tells me that she had told the florist where she was buying the rose from that she was pregnant before she had told me! Not that I mind, I just think it's funny!)

- That close friends who have walked with you along the way deserve to know, and that they generally respond in ways that make you pleased you told them.

- That family tend to be the most curious, and as a direct result of this, ask a number of inappropriate and personal questions to try and get you to confess to being pregnant or not.

- That previous point causes the most grief between us and the rest of the family, because we want to announce to the whole world we are pregnant and be overjoyed with excitement... but we can't afford to be too eager... as a high school friend of mine once coined the phrase "Hasty boys get lashed".

How many couples know two weeks after conception that their embryo has implanted and have a pregnancy that can only be detected by specific laboratory tests on your blood? The answer - only people who have incredibly regulated cycles, or people going though IF treatment. 

The thing we've found best is when someone simply says "We're praying for you, and hope all is going well" - that leaves us with the chance to tell them or not tell them, and it's completely in our court. 

We've had quite a public showcase of infertility and IVF, and perhaps been a little naive with how we've approached allowing everyone to know what's going on, but I don't regret having been that up front, it's just that during this time we want to keep some things to ourselves, and it's not that easy when things actually go right for a change!

So anyhow, we're still over the moon, and waiting with baited breath for the results of tomorrow's repeat test to confirm what we were told by Monday's test. If that is a positive result too, then we'll be heading back to our IVF clinic early December for our first ultrasound scan! Woo Hoo! I'm not sure exactly what they want to look for, but I'm guessing that the only thing they would be likely to be able to tell is whether it's a multiple pregnancy or not. If anyone knows feel free to comment.

OK, enough rambling... 


I Believe in Miracles said...

I really like this list. I can definitely seeing telling the blogosphere before I tell some of my close friends who don't know about our IF. I think the few people IRL who have walked the journey with me would get to know, but that's it until almost first trimester is over.

Even thought it's a little ahead of myself, I've been debating when to tell my parents if this cycle is successful. My mom works overseas, so is only home for the holidays. If we tell her before she leaves, it would be very soon. And the fact that she might not be happy to be a grandmother plays a small role.

With the Dec u/s. My "cheat sheet" for this cycle says the first u/s is to make sure it's not eptopic (within the first week after the blood test) and then the second u/s is to see heartbeat (around 6 weeks). Given it's mid Nov, I'm guessing you're having the 6 week u/s. You could find out if you have multiples then unless you're like Faithful Infertile (I think) whose twins hid right behind each other and she didn't findout until a later u/s.

Enough rambling from me. I'm so excited for you guys.


Mrs. Shoes said...

Actually, at this point, most people would know about the pregnancy because it is now detectable on a urine test that they could take at home. But I understand the desire for privacy. I had to come out of the pregnancy closet much earlier than I would have liked to my boss because of my resultant gall bladder issues.

As far as what they are lookign for at ultrasound, depending on how far along (I am not sure of the math)- if the pregnancy is seven weeks or more- they can detect the heartbeat. Otherwise, they are lookign for multiples and to make sure the gestational sack is developing properly and in the right place. It is an exciting (and scary) event!

J said...

I'm pleased everything is still going well. I would hold fire on telling people who are personally involved unless they can help in prayer. We didn't tell our parents for a while as they aren't Christians. We quickly told our church friends who had been praying for us for so long, partly so that we could be comforted if things didn't work out.

I am still very, very pleased for you.


Searching for Serenity said...

The hesitancy of IF brings so much caution, but the excitement of pregnancy should be shouted from the mountain tops. It's a tricky balance.

BTW, Cap'm says "Sweet As"

kjames106 said...

Ok, I think you guys have great guidelines. When we found out, we couldn't keep our mouths shut. It was "Carpe diem" for us. We were at such peace, I don't know why. We did have a little scare with my hormone levels dropping, but got the fix right away. That still didn't stop us. I think we are big mouths though. Anyway, this is YOUR time and this is YOUR blessing. You can hold it as close to your heart or give it out as much as you want. I am just so darn happy for you guys.

P.S. The Creed song popping up first definitely gave me a few tears! :-) How fitting.

Blessings to you and your wife.

KE II said...

Wow, congratulations, I just popped over as I read a shout out from "I believe in Miracles". I really like your guidelines, it's such a tricky line to walk.
When we we finally got pregnant with little M we only told immediate family. But since TTC for #2 for 3 years we've told most of our church/bible study friends, and when God does bless us with that #2 I'm sure we'll tell them asap as they've been amazing prayer warriors along the way.
As for the u/s we had one at 5 weeks for little M (and technically you guys are considered at 4 weeks currently, they count the date from your LMP, so seen as she had it on day 12, that should make you 4 weeks ;)) and it was amazing, we saw a heartbeat that only God knew was in there. Blessings.

KandiB said...

It IS such a hard balance to determine who to tell and not. Especially when you want/need their prayers. Do you tell them? Do you trust them? It's an ongoing battle for us (10 wks pg w/#1 after ivf).