Saturday, March 22, 2014

Where to from here?

I won't draw this out more than necessary. After several positive hCG tests, our most recent test on Tuesday was a huge drop. Miscarriage is inevitable. So we have been waiting. And this morning it has started.

I let myself believe that it might work. Somehow your subconscious mind gets the better of you, and before you know it your thinking about names, planing what the nursery will look like and thinking about what it will be like to have sleepless nights and another baby to hold.

There is nothing wrong with being positive, but I somehow lost perspective on how easily things can go wrong. I was actually shocked when Sarah told me about the decreased hCG level. I'd been shocked two weeks earlier about the positive hCG! Now that sinking feeling is quite pervasive. It literally felt like the trap door in my heart fell open and I think that is what people mean by a heavy heart.

So.... Where to from here?

Life goes on. Everyone else's worlds go on spinning. So ours will have to as well. Excuse me though if I hit the pause button  for a moment of peace and quiet. Cause sometimes life sucks


Sunday, March 9, 2014


Just letting you know that Sarah had some spotting this morning. And I don't know what to think. I know it could mean nothing, or it could mean everything. That's what my 'thinking' brain says anyway. My 'feeling' brain feels like it really doesn't want to know ifs and maybes, I just want to know facts. There is a lot of emotional energy to be spent here. Its just hard to not endulge in some mental ifs and maybes... I need to keep focused and then, what ever happens, we can face the truth of it together. For now, neither of us dares talk about what might be. It suddenly strikes me as odd that most people don't think this way post coitus. Post conception anyway. Most people are ridiculously unaware of the life they have created. Rediculously care free. Its enough to make me feel sick...

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Last transfer complete

Our last transfer is done. It's hard to day how we feel. Numb is possibly the best word. I'm not sure if I can say why. All I know is that it is really hard to get excited. After 3 failures it's become the expected outcome and perhaps the safest one to expect. But I keep reminding myself that God doesn't play the odds. He knows the outcome, heck he's planned it! So there is a glimmer of hope. A seed.

Sarah said this morning that she felt sick. Nausea. Now the mind games begin! I had this thought that actually having a boy would be very fitting. My brother who is younger than me started his family about six months before us and that was very demoralising. I always expected to have the oldest grandchild. A boy would be the only boy in our family and that I could be happy with. But if we have a girl that will be just spectacular too!

Stop getting so carried away! The chicken has got to hatch yet!