Saturday, June 4, 2011



Number 3 hasn't been lucky. The Beta HCG did not indicate that pregnancy had occurred. So we are back to waiting. It doesn't seem to matter how many times we do this, it's still a waiting game. And the twinges of agony continue. We have to wait for one regular cycle to occur, then we can try again. Sometimes I think it pays not to think too much about what has just happened. And everyone's ideas about when life begin are different, but for us our embryos are alive. They all have the potential to grow and be born, and grow further ... So we morn another life that is no longer living. Does it get easier? In some ways I hope not. I never want to decide that the ends justify the means, no matter what, and the ethics of what we are doing is complicated at best, but I will never say that having Abbigail was not worth the attempts, because without those failed attempts she could not exist. That is such a scary thought! To think that we could have decided not to pursue IVF, she wouldn't be sleeping soundly in her bed while I type this. Our lives have changed forever with her birth. but I wouldn't go back to the childless lifestyle for ANYTHING!!! Just stroking her hair is one of the most beautiful things I can imagine, and I thank God for being able to do just that!

So with the promise of potential children we continue on the IVF road. We have two further embryos... the statistics tell me that there is a good chance that we will have at least one more success, but statistics are just that, and I believe that statistics are a poor way of trying to predict the future. I know God has it mapped out - we simply have to wait.

So that's our news - no joy, but I guess no pain - no gain.


1 comment:

Searching for Serenity said...

I can completely relate to not really wanting things to get easier. After Xander's memorial yesterday a friend wrote to me "Sorrow is the antithesis of joy. It is precisely because we treasure joy, that sorrow can have such an impact."

Once we've gotten a taste of holding our child and stroking their hair, the sorrow of losing another stings that much harder because we know what we are missing and what should be.

I'm so sorry #3 didn't stick. But I'm relieved to learn you have another opportunity. (I was wrong in thinking this was your final attempt.)

Abiding with you.