Saturday, February 21, 2009

Musings after the miracle

HI everyone,

I've been busy again, and realising that it's actually very tough to find the time required to read every one's blogs, and reply to everyone, so please don't feel neglected if you haven't heard from me for a while... I'm just a tad snowed under at the moment...

I've been reflecting recently about the journey, or odyssey as I've called it, and realise that the last four years or so have forever changed our lives. I've found a website that actually would have been really useful to direct friends and family to during the hardest of times as it would have said much more eloquently and completely all the things I wanted to tell them about how we felt, but didn't have the emotional energy to do... here it is...

It has a number of pages that describe really well a number of the issues that we have struggled with over the years. Hopefully some of you will also find it useful.

In reflection of how things have been I realise that to a greater or lesser degree depression had been a ... how do you describe it without making it sound like I should have been locked away somewhere for my own protection... a mist. Like a fog that had slowly and insidiously rolled across my landscape, tainting everything with melancholic frustration. I know that for us, the infertile, elusive pregnancy becomes something that we constantly long for, think about and dare I say it obsessively contemplate... It's natural - and I think even necessary - but I have to say it can become unhealthy. But how do you break free of it? Even having a big fat positive doesn't burn through that misty fog of obsessive melancholy. I haven't got that answer yet - I'm not even sure there is an answer. Having children is a core thing for us all isn't it? Perhaps the principle of longing for things we don't/can't have makes it worse... But there is so much that simply compounds our issues, our emotions, and our state of mind. 

One thing I know for sure is that being able to express my struggles, thoughts, emotions, depression and longings was essential, and just what I needed when I began blogging - and you guys have all been such a great support!

I always wondered how expectant mothers and fathers could possibly talk to people about their bundle of joy on the way without dissolving into a teary mess... But somehow I manage not to do it - yet there are other times I simply marvel at the miracle of life that we've been blessed with, and tears simply well up in my eyes... Anyone who has struggled with infertility - for any length of time - who eventually has their wildest dreams come true after so many disappointments, hurts and losses - knows that you can never take for granted the miracle that is pregnancy, child birth and life. Every day I thank God for the immeasurable privilege, responsibility, joy and precious life he has given us. What more can I do? 

I know that the struggle goes on for so many of you, and we will have to embark once again on the journey that is infertility... I'm praying for you all and hoping that despite past struggles, disappointments and failures, that your miracle is just around the corner...

God bless,

1 comment:

Stacey said...

Thanks, Abe. These are great thoughts and I'm glad you wrote them out. I think your description of living in a fog was right on target. I'm really happy that you are doing well!

Thanks for remembering those of us who still wait.