Where to from here?

I won't draw this out more than necessary. After several positive hCG tests, our most recent test on Tuesday was a huge drop. Miscarriage is inevitable. So we have been waiting. And this morning it has started.

I let myself believe that it might work. Somehow your subconscious mind gets the better of you, and before you know it your thinking about names, planing what the nursery will look like and thinking about what it will be like to have sleepless nights and another baby to hold.

There is nothing wrong with being positive, but I somehow lost perspective on how easily things can go wrong. I was actually shocked when Sarah told me about the decreased hCG level. I'd been shocked two weeks earlier about the positive hCG! Now that sinking feeling is quite pervasive. It literally felt like the trap door in my heart fell open and I think that is what people mean by a heavy heart.

So.... Where to from here?

Life goes on. Everyone else's worlds go on spinning. So ours will have to as well. Excuse me though if I hit the pause button  for a moment of peace and quiet. Cause sometimes life sucks

Abe

Spotting

Just letting you know that Sarah had some spotting this morning. And I don't know what to think. I know it could mean nothing, or it could mean everything. That's what my 'thinking' brain says anyway. My 'feeling' brain feels like it really doesn't want to know ifs and maybes, I just want to know facts. There is a lot of emotional energy to be spent here. Its just hard to not endulge in some mental ifs and maybes... I need to keep focused and then, what ever happens, we can face the truth of it together. For now, neither of us dares talk about what might be. It suddenly strikes me as odd that most people don't think this way post coitus. Post conception anyway. Most people are ridiculously unaware of the life they have created. Rediculously care free. Its enough to make me feel sick...

Last transfer complete

Our last transfer is done. It's hard to day how we feel. Numb is possibly the best word. I'm not sure if I can say why. All I know is that it is really hard to get excited. After 3 failures it's become the expected outcome and perhaps the safest one to expect. But I keep reminding myself that God doesn't play the odds. He knows the outcome, heck he's planned it! So there is a glimmer of hope. A seed.

Sarah said this morning that she felt sick. Nausea. Now the mind games begin! I had this thought that actually having a boy would be very fitting. My brother who is younger than me started his family about six months before us and that was very demoralising. I always expected to have the oldest grandchild. A boy would be the only boy in our family and that I could be happy with. But if we have a girl that will be just spectacular too!

Stop getting so carried away! The chicken has got to hatch yet!

Abe

The last act...

We have embarked on beginning our last phase in fertility treatment. We have 1 final embryo. It seems like an eternity ago that we began the treatments that started out IVF journey. We have been blessed. If this embryo fails to implant then we will have such mixed emotions.

To some degree we will be relieved that the journey has finished regardless of the outcome. The pressure of not knowing what will happen to the life we have created and suspended has always been there, even if we aren't always cognisant of it.

As to the process between here and knowing, well of course there is the hormone treatments which we are thankful not to have to inject this time, but the swings will still occur, which I can write off as part of the experience, but Sarah still has to endure them.

And then there is the result. Agony or Ecstasy. Elation or deflation. Child or no child. That roller coaster will take us to our destination one last time.

So here's to the future. Its as clear as mud

Abe

Male factor infertility

I have been away from the blogosphere for a REALLY long time... Not for any particular reason, but I came back on a whim to see what as going on, and it seems that despite my years of neglect there are roughly a dozen people viewing a page from Stirrup Queens. So that means that there are a dozen or so peopl out there loking for perspective on the issue of male infertility... so I guessI better start perspectivating!

Since Abbigail was born, we are still infertile. Not even a hint of pregnancy. We have had 2 further attempts at using frozen embryos. We have one left. we have taken a long time to get through them because life has been harder thanwe expected since Abbigail was born. Some of that you know if you've been contributing to my page views ;-) other stuff has been happening too. Sarah has really struggled with painful medical conditions over the last several years, some of them gynacological, so the thought of adding a pregnncy to the mix has not given either of us much enthusiasm for the idea of getting pregnant. Thhose issues aren't going anywhere, but our youthfulness is! So with our one last remaining embryo we will step out into the realm of possibiity once more. If we are uccessful then our hearts will soar! If not then we will call it a day, wave the white flag and sorrowfully accept that one is enough.

You know, six or so years ago, when I started this I decided that this blog was for me, for any children e subsequently managed to have, and of course anyone who found themselves where I am. If you come across this post and you are one of those people searching for a perspective on male infertlitity then let me know by commenting and or following. It will be encouragement for me to keep sharing.

Frustrations are some of the hardest things for us guys to deal with. Not understandng why has nothing to do with low sperm count, bad morphology or some other male factor issue. It has everything to do with why me? Why can't it be fixed? Surely there is something I can do! Frustration at one thing comes out in everything. Guys don't compartmentalise this very well...Well, at least I didn't. Stresses from multiple avenues cause everything to be harder. So ladies, if we are snappier than usual, or have short fuses then I appologise on behalf of your man. He doesn't mean it, and has no intention of hurting you with arsh words. If he stamps out of the room in a way that  hurts you then give him space. He is likely leaving the room because he needs to not say something that will hurt you. Guys, if you do storm out of the room you need to know that your lady needs to know you will be back, that you still love her, and that you need this space. One thing i have learnt is that  woman needs to know CONSTANTLY that you ONLY have eyes for her, that your "I do" doesn't automatically register as "sold". Women who are constantly told of the undying love of their  husband are infinately more capable of coping with other stressful issues - such as infertility. So Men... LOVE YOUR WIVES - AND TELL THEM SO LIBERALLY! You won't regret it!