Monday, October 20, 2008

I'll do my crying in the rain...

I found this song and posted it to my "songs with meaning".

I had a meltdown of sorts today. Took the day off. It wouldn't pay to go to work in tears and convulsing uncontrollably would it?

Sometimes life can just get too much. It's happened once before a couple of years ago, had to take the day off then too. I don't have to explain to all of you how something like this comes to happen - you know how it happens. Don't worry, I'm not losing my mind or going crazy or anything, just profoundly sad. I know we are about to start another attempt, but that just means we are again on the cusp of either profound joy or more profound sadness. Simply telling myself not to think about it doesn't do any good.

I watched a number of youtube clips this afternoon with an infertility bent to them. The one that got me was this one

My reaction will be similar in some ways, but I will not be able to stop crying. This is something I've waited my whole life for! I'm not going to be able to contain the emotion of that moment. I also watched various videos of parents being told that they were going to become grandparents. Most people chose to do it by wrapping some item of baby clothing, and it struck me as kind of odd, but I get it. Of course the Grand mother to be bursts into tears like she's just been told sh'es got cancer, and the Grand father sits there with a smug smile - I'm sure he's reacted more jubilantly during his favourite sports game! Both reactions kind of grated on me - perhaps it's just that our journey has been kind of private from our parents because their reactions are difficult for us to deal with. I know my Mum is going to burst into tears (my Dad might too), but it's just that this has been our journey, and though they went through some hardship trying to have me and my brother, I've always felt like they feel that they have all the answers - if only we'd listen! I still remember the time that Mum tried to tell us that all we needed to do was practice the natural family planning method in reverse - this when we are two years into our journey, and seeing an IVF specialist who has told us we have specific issues that need to be dealt with.

Anyway - today is a day to mourn properly. My problem up until now has been that I've not had a decent chance to do it. "How do you grieve for something you never had?" I have asked myself. My answer at the moment is - just the same as any other type of grief - you cry, your mourn, you shut yourself away and let it out. That's what I've done today. And I don't regret it one little bit.

I know God is with me. I'm just trying to allow myself to be broken the way God wants me to be broken. This isn't self pity - this is me trying to let the grieving process happen.

Take care,

1 comment:

Searching for Serenity said...

Have I mentioned that your music list is awesome?? It is. Thank you for sharing it with us. Some of the songs are new and some I'm very familiar with. When listening to them from a different perspective they take on a whole new meaning.

I'm very sad to hear that you're having a rough day (it's probably almost over by the time I read this.) It is so important that we give ourselves time to reflect and mourn. It seems like you were long overdue. I'm hoping that your Tuesday is brighter.